I can’t believe I’m about to write this. Seriously. But I figured hey, I mortify myself to make you all feel better.

I had my first ostomy snafu the other day. Almost a couple weeks ago now…and I almost forgot about it because I pretty much wanted to die. But oh no…I remember it now.

rawr

It was May 1st. The sun was shining, and it was warm. The scene was set for a beautiful day at the ballpark with my mom, grandma and boyfriend. We were havin a rockin’ good time. We got there, got to our seats, which were just along the 3rd base line. Wonderful. Before we sat down, we went and got some delicious giant slushy drinky thing with copious amounts of alcohol in them. Life was good. Then life got better. Because….wait for it…I ATE A HOT DOG. ZOMG. Best day EVAR. I have never ate one so slow, or in such tiny bites but I ate it nonetheless. And I LOVED it.

Anyway the day was a great day. The Tigers were winning, I was getting fried in the sun, I had a delicious weiner, and I was pretty tipsy from my drink. It gets to be time to go and I decide, you know, I’ve got some air in this little bag of mine, I should empty it before my 30 min trip home. So I walk into the ladies and this woman walks out of a stall and prefaces me with “There is some water on the floor in there, at least I hope its water, but its not from me”. And I’m all, ok lady I wasn’t gonna think

everyone looks this hot on the toilet

you peed on the floor but whatevs.

So I get in there, and I get all my jazz down and ready to empty, and I dont know what happened. Seriously, other than the confirmation that God hates me, it was a fluke. I always open the bag, empty the air, and then tip it downwards into the bowl, simple enough. Well this time, the poo took on a life of its own and jumped in a fit of joy out of my bag…

I know.

So here I am, liquidy gross ugly poo all over the toilet seat, and the floor and to top it off…ON MY PANTS. Fuck. Double Fuck. So what do I do. I think I cried for about 5 seconds, and I literally had a pep talk with myself. “Ok jackie, this isn’t that bad. It could be worse. Don’t freak out. How can you fix this?”

I realized I had NO way of getting around this but by some fancy grace of fate, the poo I spilled was only on my waist band and a spot right on my ass. So I cleaned off the toilet seat so I could atleast stand up. And I tried to get some off the pants but that was just not happening. I was also wearing khakis…totally noticeable. Then I had a lightbulb/mcgyver moment. I remembered I was wearing 2 shirts. So I tucked one into my pants, to cover my back so I didn’t have to touch the poo…then I pulled the top one down to cover the back of the waist band. The spots on my ass were doomed so I just figured people would just think I sat in something on my seat..totally plausible. My biggest fear was stinking on the ride home and it like soaking into my car seat. I assure you neither happened. And I played it totally cool. I had my freak out in the stall, and put on my awesome face the whole ride home. No one would have known, no one does know. Its just a secret between me and you internet.

So what did I do about the poo on the ground? Well since the ground was already wet and the only weapon I had was crappy ballpark single ply toilet paper….I totally left it. GROSS I know, but what was I supposed to do? So I walked out and told the chick in line…theres something on the floor in there, its not from me….

(ps. Don’t google “gross”. Ever)

Did you have any ostomy disasters?

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