So as if springing leaks and pooping all over yourself wasn’t the worst thing ever…the other day I finally sucked it up and went and bought maternity jeans. Like my UC  journey didn’t resemble pregnancy enough already. Well with the location of my stoma, the band of jeans hits right over it, so its pretty uncool. So then I was like , hey I’ll just leave them unzipped (super classy) but the open zipper hits right on my gigantor incision (thanks for that one Remzi). So unless I wanted to wear my super awesome “dress pants” that actually double as magic pants because they turn me into a pear, I decided it was time to suck it up.

So maternity pants. While there is a certain level of AWESOME to these things, there is also a level of “Hey, no really I’m

I bet this woman is ACTUALLY pregnant

wearing maternity jeans and I have no baby.” I suppose this might be less degrading if I was planning on children in my future, you know, buy now save later! BUT….no babies for me. So its just one more thing to spend my money on and remind me how redic my life is. So now…lets get to why these suckers are totally awesome, and almost awesome enough to make me forget that I should be harboring new life while wearing them. Ok so…for all you dudes out there…maternity jeans…no zipper, no waist band. They have this spandex type material that is attached to the top of the denim that goes all the way up over your belly to hold your pants up and they are SUPER comfortable.

So for me, its a double whammy. Not only are they comfortable and dont hurt my stoma or incision, but the giant band also acts as a support for my bag because I wear mine sideways. So it helps keep it snug to my body and also to hide it under my clothes.

Lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground

Over all, yea I would recommend them. It has made my life less painful, the only thing that hurts now is my ego.

But if youre a dude, I hope you’re an emo dude, because then you can get away with wearing chick jeans. And if you’re not an emo dude, its probably okbecause your pants most likely fall down past your ass anyway.

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