Total and utter devastation. And I’m not exaggerating.  I’ll give you the whole story but the short version is that I didn’t get the pouch made and I will not be done in November. It seems like I won’t be done ever…I have to have a total for 4 surgeries now, and for once, I’m at a loss of words about this.

Monday was my preop day. All appointments go well, I see my surgeon and his nurse and they in fact comment that I look like I’ve lost weight. Which has been a huge concern for me. I was scared I wouldn’t get this surgery because of my weight so when his nurse told me months ago I would still get it, it would just be harder I have been banking on that.

So I go in Tues for surgery, totally pumped. I’m so ready to get this moving and get on with my life. I dont think I’ve ever been so excited for surgery, but I was. The surgery was supposed to be about 4 hours long, and all I remember was being in recovery. I never remember recovery so that was weird for me. I was there for HOURS. I stopped breathing because of all the pain meds, so they had to lay off so it just got miserable. So I get to my room and I’m still way out of it, and I have no idea how much time has passed but eventually my surgeon’s fellow comes in and just drops the bomb. He told me they couldn’t do they surgery because my small bowel wouldn’t reach. And I just lost it. He said it so matter of fact like, and it all just hit me at one time. I was alone, this guy I don’t know told me this devastating news and then just walked out.

I’m still under huge pain meds so I’m trying really hard to understand whats happening, and then my mom came in and I just couldn’t stop crying because I just knew that this would never be over. So I’ll spare you the details but basically Remzi decided that I still need to lose weight. He said that he will try again in 6 months after I lose a mandatory 30-40lbs.  And then months after that he will do the take down. My god that is like 9+ months away, when I was supposed to be done in November. That puts me in surgeries in my first semester of grad school. It puts my in this bag longer for over a year. It puts so much pressure on me to lose this weight because if I don’t, I will be like this forever. This just isn’t how I pictured my life. I want my fucking life back. I’m so tired of living around this disease, and planning around surgeries and how the hell I’m going to pay for all of this. More surgeries means more money. I can’t afford to be alive right now.

You know I was there, I was positive about all this. I was happy in my life, and eager to start the next phase of it. But now its all different. I can’t believe this is happening and that it happened like this. Its so hard to know you have the world rooting for you and to fail. I’m furious with Remzi. I don’t trust him anymore, and that brings up a whole ball of problems there. I now have a 4 step instead of a 2 or 3 step. I’m beyond depressed at this point. I don’t want to eat anything, because all I can think about is losing weight. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I have no reason to get through the end of the year. I have no job, and I could have gotten one if I didn’t have 2 surgeries. Just one, and I could have gotten a job, but now, I cant. I planned grad school instead but now I’ve got surgeries in the middle of that. I’m so tired of surgeons only thinking of the patient….not the person. I really thought he was totally different…but I was wrong. Remzi may be good at what he does, but he doesn’t care how it effects me. Shit, he doesn’t even know my name.

I have pictures for you guys again but I dont feel like moving to go get them. Sorry to be such a downer, I just can’t seem to see the light anymore.