Pardon my myspace-esque picture. At least I didn’t take it in a mirror. Also there are no duck lips or peace signs, so cut me a break.

This weight loss thing. Ugh I’m sure you’re all tired of hearing me talk about it, but its an obsession at this point really.

I made a chart of my weight for as far back as I could calcultate. I called doctors and asked them what their records were and all that jazz. I was kinda surprised at what I found. I didn’t get the stats as far back as high school or anything but I got back to 2005.

In my brain I was far thinner than the numbers say. In my brain I was far happier than what I feel about my weight now. The reality is I am 4lbs shy of my lowest recorded weight from Nov of 2007. My weight right now is 157.8. Do I have a distorted memory of what it was like back then…I mean..I wore bikinis back then…and didn’t look fat.

Am I just more motivated now? Do I care more now? Am I working for this infinite number that will never give me happiness?

I am not that girl that cries and complains about her weight and asks for empty compliments. As of today I have officially lost 40lbs exactly from when I was at my highest recorded weight.

Why does this literally mean nothing to me? I just keep looking at it like, not a big deal, not an accomplishment, not enough. I know that because I had to lose all this weight for surgery its become an obsession, and to be honest i’m thankful. I think I was borderline to giving up and ballooning. When I was 197lbs I was so depressed in life, not just weight. But here I am 40lbs smaller and it just feels like meh, aint no thang.

These last 10lbs or so that I’m trying for are really hard. Honestly I’m working my ass off for them. I work out 5 times a week min. 3 of those times are with a trainer. Yes I eat right. Yes I drink enough. But man. Its really really hard.

But here is what I’ve learned. I may not be losing the pounds I want to, but I’m losing inches, and I’m getting stronger. I’m seeing a change in what I can do, how hard I can work. I’m getting really good at pushing myself. I’m excited to keep working with my trainer right now (just worried I can’t afford it after surgery). I am worried that surgery will set me back again. Ugh. Its all a little overwhelming.

The good news is..I weigh less than I did in 2005…but not 2007…but I think I’ll get there. Its only 4lbs. I think that is my new goal. If I can get those 4 lbs, that officially means I will be where I was before I was sick. Before UC was even a thought in my mind.

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