Ok guys we’ve got a lot to talk about. My eyes still really hurt so I’m not sure how much of this I’m going to be able to get out. First, I’ll say that I will respond to all of the comments you guys have left when I can.
(Update: As of Friday May 13, I would say my eyes have come back like 85%. Its amazing to see again)
Also, I must be some kind of marketing genius…who knew the suicide blog post would get me the highest hit counts and subscribrs I’ve ever had.
But heres is what I really want to talk about. I have never bullshitted you guys. I’ve always told you the details no matter how gross or uncomfortable. This is no dffferent.
The last few weeks have been hard, I’ve had those thoughts slowly creeping into my head but I still had control. After this MS attack, everything went out the window. Being back on prednisone and having that affect my sleep like it does, really sent me through a loop. I started laying awake at night thinking about my future and how it really seems like there is no future. I would write mental notes to my family and friends. I made plans for my house, my dogs, my possessions, my debt so that way my death would be less of a burden than my life has been. I planned out how I would die. I had two methods in mind. I have oodles of heavy pain killers I could’ve taken but I was worried it wouldn’t work. There is no “attempting suicide”… it was going to work. I also own a gun. There was a sick level of control knowing that I could choose to end my life if I wanted to.
Also it is often said that suicide is a selfish option and an easy way out. Well I’m telling you right now,there is a level of comfort knowing all of your worries could be over in one trigger pull. But…this is not easy Thinking about my family, aftermath and planning this was not easy. I had even considered where I would want to die, so my family wouldn’t discover me or have to do clean up. You’re not supposed to talk about this stuff. But this truth is I wanted to shoot myself in a place where no one knew me, loved me, or cared about me. I didn’t want to scar my family with seeing my dead body, emptying out the house I died in, ect. It is not that killing yourself is hard. It is planning for it that was hard.
I have talked many times to people who have previous told me “how strong” I am that I have this theory. When bad things happen to you, you get to a certain point where you have two options. You’re going to kill yourself…or pull yourself out of it. I understand why people choose not to pull out of it. I have not gotten to this point before, though I thought often about how easy it would be to “give up” it was never to this level. But I hit it. So now Im here, making the smallest baby steps to get out. I left my house yesterday. I made phone calls. I went to see my docor and I’m meeting with a therapist , as technically I am a suicide risk. I did more yesterday than I have in a week and it was hard. It was hard to get up, and make phone calls. I didn’t/dont want to. But I know it makes a difference. I hate being a statistic in this. You’re not supposed to say that, but Im mad I could not outsmart this. I was not strong enough to just deal with it all in stride. I am disappointed in myself. Im angry that my life consists of retraining my eyes to see , and that it takes me a whole day to make a one minute phone call…and THAT is considered an accomplishment.
As a young adult there are certain things you plan for yourself. I mean, these things change, but I never expected being a 26 yr old legimate suicide threat. I always thought I was smarter than this. but Im not. Im not better than those people who actually go through with it, but perhaps my overthinking is what might have saved me this time. I couldn’t just peace out on my life and leave ends untied. I wasn’t even debating my life in my planning, but the time it took to think about my bank accounts, and delegating objects, and things like that…takes time. Distributing your own “estate” takes time. I may have been “selfish” enough to want to die, but I wasn’t selfish enough to leave a mess.
Yesterday I met with a new therapist. She wants me to see a psychiatrist to get on medication which I have no adversity to. She wanted me to do inpatient work. At this point in my life, more time in hospitals, without freedom I feel would do more harm than its worth. I will be meeting with her 2 times a week for a while to try to get my life under control again. Baby steps. Eh, more like toddler steps.
So until I can give more updates/comment responses….thank you. I’m not going to lie and say you guys saved my life, but it was nice knowing that people, random people out there in internet land, cared.