Today is it raining and it it supposed to rain for like the next week. When you’re depressed rain is perfect to feed your negativity. It lets you stay inside, alone, in the dark, watching Sex and the City reruns.
Today, however, is one of the local Take Steps walks. I don’t do the walks because I hate fundraising. And I hate fundraising mostly because I’ve already asked everyone I know for money before and I feel like I can’t do it anymore. But I’m volunteering for the walk, which I signed on to do months ago. I’m working one of the tents for Camp Oasis. This is literally the ONLY thing that is making me get off my couch today. I don’t want to go, I don’t want to be outside in the rain, and I don’t want to put on a happy face for the walkers. BUT I do think Oasis is one of the most important things I have ever done in my life and I want to help support it. Our local CCFA chapter has been having a tough time, and this means cut backs at camp this year. People are devastated. No seriously. A saving grace for me personally was getting asked to return for this summer, if I had gotten cut…it would just be one more thing on my pile right now.
I need to talk to our local chapter higher ups, about my ideas to help bring camp to where it needs to be. Its just a meeting. Its just a short drive to the office…but its so damn hard you guys. I went to the grocery store yesterday, and the whole time in there I just wanted to drop the cart, turn around and leave. I can’t handle the people, the noises, the lights, all of it right now.
I was watching one of my favorite movies last night, The Big Chill. If you haven’t seen it, you should. Its about a group of college friends that reunite after one of them commits suicide. Uplifting, right? Anyway, one of them said this
“For some people it isn’t the question of why to kill yourself, but why not.”
Hearing that was a moment for me. I have about 10 million reasons to die, right now. Yesterday. Tomorrow. I’ve got the reasons, I’ve got the tools, it would be really easy.
But there are only a few reasons for me not to. But these are really important reasons. I would say the reason, above all of the reasons is this little girl. I know it might not make sense, because she is just my niece and not my own child, but this little face is my whole world. I know that I won’t have kids, so she is the closest to my own that I will have. My sister went through a painful messy divorce this year, so I was there to help her raise this child from the first month she was alive. Watching her grow and change is amazing. When I told my sister about all of the things that have been going on, she basically told me that I have to be here for this baby. I have to be the person she can turn to in the future when she can’t talk to her mom. I have to be her co-parent, even if I am just an aunt. Thinking that my number one reason to live right now, wasn’t even in this world just over a year ago is crazy. It also makes things a little more hopeful. A year and a half ago I didn’t have this baby in my life, but I also didn’t need her “support”. But now, the support of a 14-month old is keeping me alive. I want her to grow up being a strong woman, taught by strong women. I can’t have her knowing, that I wasn’t strong enough to live…live for her, my family and myself.
I really hate that this is where my life is. Its shameful. Its hard knowing that I put this out for people who know me in real life to see….and some of them have. There is humiliation I know I’ll have to feel when I see these people again. I know that they don’t know what to say, I mean I don’t expect them to say anything. Ugh. But I have some great friends…who don’t know what to say, but have all managed to say the right things.
And on that note, here is my favorite scene from The Big Chill. It will make you smile.