Last Friday I went to have this new surgeon check out all my jazz and dialate my butt hole. After getting confused and getting lost in the hospital I went back to the prep rooms and answered the same questions about 400 times. Then it came time for the IV. I don’t get IVs anymore because I don’t have veins anymore. The last two times, I had major difficulty getting PICC lines in, and had to get a central line in my neck. So IVs are less than a party because everyone thinks their skills are awesome enough…when they aren’t. So a nurse walks in and I ask if shes confident in her skills and brief her on my PICC line history. 2 minutes later another woman rounded the corner to give me my IV. I like to scare those people away because I don’t want to become their pin cushion. This woman who put it in, was alright. She got it first try, but had to fish for it. I hate that. I’d rather they poke me again, than fish for it.

Anyway, I go back to the procedure room, and the new surgeon meets me in the hallway with a smile and a genuine, “How are you”. I asked him to explain this dialation a bit more. I needed details. I said will you use balloon or something? How does this work? And he goes, “Nope, I’ll just use my finger”. I have met this man 2 times, both times involved his hand up my ass. So they push about half of the anesthesia tube, and I got all awesome and loopy and even said something like “Oooo thats nice”. Then I woke up in recovery. ……With a leak. DAMN IT. I had to have them go find my mom, get my supplies, so I could change my bed..that had poop in it. The recovery nurse was obviously not used to ostomies because she kept asking me what she needed to do. I was like, just stand there and look pretty and hand me a paper towel when I need one. Calm down, crazy.

What the hell is this graphic? And why does it say Canada at the bottom!?

So apparently Dr. Wasvary came in to talk to me, but I had no idea. He did go talk to my mom, told her my pouch looks good, no leaks in there. He said he did to the dialation, and they are going to recheck me tomorrow to see if its still good. If it is still good…I can have surgery on 6/6. WHICH IS 2 WEEKS AWAY. HOLY HELL. So lets just say tomorrow is a big day. Why does it feel like every time I see a doctor is a “big day”. I’m super hopeful. I can tell my bum is different, I feel like I have less control over the stuff thats coming out.

Oh did I forget to mention that I’m pooping out of my butt? Oh yea. Thats awesome. I guess something about how my stoma has retracted (thanks for fixing that one, Remzi) causes A LOT of stool to actually go into the bottom hole in my stoma, travel down to my butt…and poop on out of there. Good news, is I can control it and for the most part choose when it comes out. The bad news is, I’m always worried I’m gonna poop myself again.

I’ve been really thinking lately about how I might miss my bag when I’m in recovery again. Its just so constant, secure, and brainless. Like, I dont have to worry about extra clothes, or bathrooms, or anything like that. I’m just really worried about this jpouch.

This is not me.

On a bright side. I haven’t updated you guys in a while. I am now 147 lbs…which is officially 50lbs down from last year at my heaviest. 2 days ago I went out and bought another size down in pants. I also have this stash of pants that I’ve been saving for YEARS. Women all have this. The “when I lose weight, I’ll wear those again” stash of clothes. Well I was too lazy to do laundry the other day, so I decided to try out those pants…NO SHIT THEY FIT. Heres the kicker…they are so old that they have some serious flare leg action going on. Super outdated…Imma have to make them into capris or something. But it feels good. I’m still not done yet, I’d like another 20lbs before the year is over. So after takedown and recovery, I’ll be back to my nazi eating and working out.