Today is the last time I will change my bag. Ever. (hopefully). The anxiety about this surgery is building…fast. I’m ready to get it over with, but at the same time I’m still wicked nervous about it.

In 4 days, I’m having surgery. This will be my 5th colitis related surgery. It seems unreal.

There is a lot of pressure related to this surgery. Pressure for it to work. But also pressure in my life. I’ve had to put my life on hold now, for like over 2 years, and now I have to get stuff back in order. I’ll have to find a job, in Michigan (good luck). I have to reorganize my life again, become a person again. Not just a sick person. I also have to evaluate a lot of the people and situations in my life. So much of this I’ve put off because of the stress of surgery and everything but now that the sick chapter of my life is closing, I can’t postpone all of this stuff anymore. I wasn’t just putting my life on hold in the sense of my career and vacations and things, but I’ve been putting off important decisions too. I had to make so many decisions during this sickness that I just ignored the ones that weren’t pressing. I can’t ignore life anymore. I don’t have any more excuses.

That is scary. I feel like I’m starting over. Like I just graduated college again, and I have to figure out my life. It feels like I have a lot of time to make up. I have a lot to prove to people that helped me and supported me through all this. I have to show that their time, money, and concern has been well spent. See what I mean? Pressure.

Life is hard. Being a grownup is hard. Being sick and trying to do it all on your own, is hard. People always told me that being an adult wasn’t much fun…but I doubt they realized it would be this unfun.

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