Today I miss my ostomy. It’s not that I’ve had any crazy problem or anything, but I’ve probably gone to the bathroom about 10 times so far and my butt hurts. Trying to relearn to use your ass is frustrating and time consuming. I’m trying to do homework today and I have to keep getting up to go spend 10 minutes on the toilet and half the time I’m just trying to poop but nothing is really happening.
This past time I was sitting there, getting annoyed, remembering similar moments when I had my colon and I just thought….I miss my ostomy. I haven’t had to have extensive toilet sessions in over a year. I haven’t had to try to push anything out of there in a long time…and I may have taken that all for granted. While having an ostomy, so many of us are consumed by the negative sides of it. But I’m telling you…I felt better with that ostomy than I had in years, and now I’m realizing how much of my time I used to spend in the bathroom. I’m realizing how much of my current time I spend in the bathroom. Right now, it is totally reasonable, and I’m not really complaining. But even the days when I had to empty my bag a bunch of times, it was always in and out and quick. There was no pushing, no butt hole aches, no incision site pain from straining. You know what I mean? I don’t think I’m articulating this very well.
Basically, according to my surgeon I am doing better than most at this point. He even said that perhaps my unlucky streak is over…we’ll see. But even though I am doing well, and I really am, I just want so badly to be “better”. The ostomy was still a sign of sickness I think, and now that its gone I just want everything to work again, perfectly. I KNOW its going to take time. But the mini hiccups are frustrating.
So since my surgery, I have officially missed my ostomy 2 times. Today and the day I lost control of my bowels. 2 times in about 2 weeks. Call me crazy or whatever, but I really learned to see the good side of things in my ostomy. We were together a long time, and while I was ready to get rid of it, I knew that life without it was going to be a struggle. For those of you who hate your ostomy and can’t wait to get your jpouch, I won’t lie. So far, my last few months with the ostomy were better. The jpouch is not the cure all.
But let me set the record straight. I don’t hate it. I’m not depressed about it. I don’t expect it to be perfect from day one, I know it will take time. I’m not being impatient. I’m just saying that the jpouch is work right now. The ostomy is work too but in a different way. The ostomy is like your neighbor’s kid you have to watch every once in a while and its a real annoying kid. Most of the time you just hear it yelling outside but you don’t have to deal with it. The last time you heard that little shit screaming “stranger danger” you just turned up the TV.* The jpouch is a screaming infant. It requires a lot of attention, and guessing what it needs. It never goes away, and it bothers you at night. The jpouch is a commitment…for a long time.
And with that sucky metaphor…I’m back to the homework.
*I may or may not have actually done this. Don’t judge. You don’t know the stupid kids who live next to me.