Ya’ll, I be lookin’ good. The gym that I have trained at in the past, is an MMA gym (Mixed martial arts), and last saturday they had a fight that I went to because I’ve also been working there one night a week. My one night a week gets me free training so its totally worth it. So anyhoo, this here picture to my right was me before the fight. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I looked good. Like good. I felt good about myself. Granted I took FOREVER to get ready, but any girl will admit that sometimes, taking 2 hours to get ready and looking awesome after is worth it.

I get that this makes me sound semi-conceited but I just haven’t felt good about myself in a long time. I’m sure most of you can relate.

Today I started training at the gym for the first time since surgery. I think I wrote about last time I worked out and what a collasal failure it was. It was horrible, I literally couldn’t do anything. I had zero stamina and strength and I was so discouraged and pissed off. Well today I talked to my trainer, Todd, and I just said look you know me now. You know that I push hard, but I’m just really afraid of not being able to do things again. I really felt like before my last 2 surgeries I was kickin’ ass in the gym. I felt very confident (for the first time) in my abilities. Then after that horrible session post surgery, I felt so discouraged and hadn’t gone back until today. Well, while I know that Todd did take it easy on me, (which makes him really good at what he does, because he understands that building my confidence again is equally as important), I felt like I could do it. We didn’t work super long or super hard but I did what he told me to do. It felt good. And for the first time EVER I was sitting there doing whatever lifting thing we were doing in the mirror and I was like, “wow, I look skinny”. Like…really..wow. I have looked at myself in those mirrors a thousand times and today I looked in the mirror and liked it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still holding strong at 147lbs so I haven’t lost anything in a long time. I still want to lose 20lbs before the year is over, but just the feeling of hey, I don’t hate myself and how I look….what a feeling. For those of you confident out there, this may sound silly, but appreciating who you are and how you look…is a little amazing.

As for the workout, we did an all body workout with lifting and whatnot and that went very well. I was worried about working hard for the first time with my pouch so I did wear a pad. I haven’t been wearing them, even at night anymore for a few weeks now, but I wasn’t sure so I did today. Well Todd, who I really do love and hate sometimes, made me do a quick run around the block outside today. Running is a scary thing for me. We have had a long relationship where its in control and I feel stupid, fat, and less than capable. Well I went out there to do my “run”, which was close to a “jog”, but really more like a peppy walk that kinda looks like you’re running but instead you’re just out of shape and can’t breathe. Anyway, I’m running/jogging/aggressively walking, and I feel ok in terms of the pouch. Once I turned the final corner, I felt the pouch give way. I did have a little leakage which was gross but it wasn’t too much. I didn’t poop my pants or anything, it was literally just a leak. The pad caught it perfectly and I went on with my day. I do wonder if running/walking/aggressively walking will always require a pad.

 

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