By trade I’m a graphic designer, and by nature I’m crafty. I love doing art projects, and making things when I feel like it. I’ve been planning a project about my UC and surgeries for the last year or so but just didn’t feel like it was the right time to do it. I’ve been saving paperwork and handouts and all sorts of things to use for this project not really knowing how it would turn out.
Well, today I made my “artwork”. It is not the best work I’ve ever done. It’s not very pretty. I had envisioned it more visually appealing, but now I guess I’m sorta happy that it isn’t pretty. Not to get all artsy fartsy on you, but this journey wasn’t pretty. To make it into some beautiful piece of artwork would be stupid at this point. I wish it was more in depth. I wish it showed a glimpse of the fact that I spend how ever many thousand dollars on art as an education. Its a little elementary and a little trite. But whatever. I’m an “artist”, I’m not supposed to be happy with things I make.
Anyway, but while I made it, I was taking my time and going over and reading my hospitalization paperwork and hand outs and all that jazz. I got super emotional while reliving everything. Medical trauma is like any kind of pain you’ve ever felt. You remember it hurting, but you don’t remember how bad it hurt. I remember those things happening to me, but I didn’t remember how bad things were. The hospitals, the medications, all of it. So I let myself sit there and relive it. Think about it…and I made the collage. When I was finished and stepped back it was like a chapter closed. A weight was lifted. I had been saving these things, the pill bottles and papers for so long now and it was like they were just extra clutter in my house and my life. Now I can throw away what I didn’t use, and I can look at this collage and remember when I want to.
I feel like I can finally look at my life and see something besides killing time until a surgery. I don’t know what my life holds. In fact, I have no fucking clue what I’m doing next week. But…I think I can finally move on from the last 2 years. I can close that nightmare, and start focusing on good things that are due to come my way.