I’m in a real downer mood today, so I apologize in advance. Ok I lied, I’ve been in a real downer mood for the last 15 minutes or so. I started thinking about what I’m going to do when I want to start job hunting again and I got SUPER excited. I started looking at a few companies I’d like to work for and looking at the job boards and the excitement just blew right out of me. The reality of trying to find a job again hit me like  a ton a bricks…then the fear of getting a job and getting sick again hit me. And I realize I’m scared to death of working again. I’m afraid of interviewing and not getting a job, but more important afraid of losing another job from being sick again.

I just always look at these jobs that I think I’d be GREAT for…and then I think about the interview process and just convince myself I’ll never get a job. Here’s the thing, I’m a DAMN good employee but I feel like I’ll just never get the chance, especially now with a HUGE gap on my employment record.

Interviewing just feels so hopeless. Right now a career feels pretty hopeless. After all there is this place I REALLY want to work. I talked with their Director and said I’d love to just volunteer there. I emailed…I called…and nothing. I CAN’T EVEN GET HIRED TO WORK FOR FREE!

I’m willing to volunteer almost anywhere but no one wants to give me a job…or they just can’t due to budgets. I started talking with the UOAA, and I was given two numbers to call to ask if they needed help with volunteers and both basically said no. Seriously? Its seriously starting to make me question my skills.

I had another friend tell me that there might be a site that wanted me to blog for them, PAID. Wahoo…well I never heard from them either.

Then I start looking at other IBD support blogs…and see that they have so many more followers than I do. I’m not even good at the things I like to do. I know its not about the numbers, and I know all I do here is mostly whine about my life, but man. A blow to the ego.

I just feel like if someone would just give me a chance to do something I love, I would shine.  Afterall I think I can appreciate a job more than the average bear at this point.

Oh and did I mention that Cleveland Clinic just send me a random bill for $4,500 MONTHS after my last surgery. See….a job…that would be nice right about now.

Pity Party Over.