I had a request for a funny entry. Touche. I haven’t done anything funny in a while. SO…here we go.
1. Be on reality TV
As if having a butt disease isn’t bad enough, can you imagine being on The Real World, or Survivor in the midst of your sickness? Instead of promiscuous trysts in the smush room, the cameras would be following you from bathroom to bathroom around which ever awful club you happened to be in at that time. Most likely you wouldn’t drink much, wouldn’t late night eat, and damn sure wouldn’t be turning your roommates on. Worst Real Worlder ever. Or what if you were on survivor? I cannot think of a great hell than being on an island with strangers and no bathrooms. Dig a hole and poop in it? What is this? Nazi Germany? No thank you Jeff Probst. The only good part about being on survivor is that you could eat everything they give you and be stoked about it. A diet that consists of only rice? I’d be all “What are you guys bitching about? This is what I eat at home, now someone go find a chicken so I can make some eggs.”
2. Be a Rescue Swimmer
Has anyone see The Guardian? See the hours upon hours they spend in the pool, hanging out just wading water?
“Excuse me, master chief, I have to go to the bathroom”
“No really, I have this thing called Ulcerative Col…”
And then everyone evacuates the pool. And this happens every day. Or lets say somehow, you manage to make it past the training and you’re a rescue swimmer, and you get a call that a boat has gone down. Hold that thought, rescue team I gotta poop. Or you’re in the helicopter on the way to save some lives, and you’re all, “Man, I gotta poop” so instead of pooping your pants, you teather yourself to the helicopter and poop out the side. I’m pretty sure that involves getting fired after….especially if you end up pooping on the floating person who needs rescuing.
3. Be apart of a stakeout
Ok picture this. You’re a cop. A cop who was just chosen to do this HUGE stakeout of a giant columbian drug lord who lives in yoursmall midwestern town in Wisconsin. This is big news and ZOMG they picked you. So you get your donuts, coffee, 5 hour energies, snacks and you’re ready to go. Lets talk about how this is going to be the worst idea you’ve ever had. After you get in the perfect stakeout position across the street form you mark, (thats what they call it, a “mark”), you realize, man I gotta poop. Quick scan of the surroundings doesn’t show a perfectly positioned porta potty, but just some pushes….if that. You realize its going to be the start of a long day….night…2 days. OMG what if he doesn’t leave the house for 2 days. After you drank your coffee, ate some spicy fritos, and got powdered sugar all over you from your donut, you realize there is no turning back. You will be shitting in a cup or a bag or anything else you find in your car. I could go on and on about this…lets just say, having an ass disease, and trying to keep a low profile isn’t super easy.
4. Man a Toll both – From Jenn H.
This might be in the top five versions of what I imagine hell to be like. Although, maybe you could just transform your chair in the booth to a porta potty. And you can be all pants off, pooping while doing your job? Maybe this is the BEST job someone with IBD can have. haha.
What else is there we can’t do?