Ok, here it is. The sex talk. First, I want to say I’m not a bangin’ expert. A lot of this is my opinion and/or what I’ve done. It doesn’t mean it’s the right way. Also…as a disclaimer I do have to say that I had a boyfriend before, during, and after my ileostomy. So when it comes to the dating questions below, these are my opinions as well and what I’ve talked to other people about. Most of the questions I received are listed below, some of them were combined into one because they were similar. If your question was totally missed, I apologize, they were coming in from everywhere and I may have missed one.

With that said, I don’t know it all. PLEASE comment below and ask/answer questions. We can help each other a lot, you just have to get over the fear of asking. Please start a conversation about sex and IBD below in the comments, it can be helpful to so many people. Its all about awareness. And this time it is awareness to each other!

Also, I know people who are dealing with all of this now. If you want to talk to someone directly who has dated with an ostomy, had sex with an ostomy, had sex with a jpouch , etc. Then email me and I’ll get you in contact with those people.

What does it feel like after having a j pouch?? Does it feel any different or do you not even know its there?? My doctor says it shouldn’t feel any different but I’ve found doctors tend to leave out a lot of little details sometimes. Especially since they don’t have any actual personal experience with having one. Am I in for any surprises like leakage or anything???

Right after your take down, it’s weird and for some ladies it’s painful. Remember you’re swollen for a long time and your uterus sits almost on top of your jpouch. If this is the case, wait a little while, take it slow. As for later on when the swelling goes down, I haven’t noticed a difference. I think more during sex, because I’m way more in tune with my body when things hurt or feel wrong. But I am still able to enjoy sex and all its glory. In my experience doctors leave out HUGE holes. I never knew there was that whole swelling issue. I could notice that my uterus was tilted when I tried to use a tampon and even during sex. I freaked out. But once the swelling went down every thing went right back in place. I commented on leakage below, but I wouldn’t anticipate any surprises, just be sure to take it slow and be careful the first few times. I know that we feel fine and recovered but just remember your insides take a lot longer to heal.

As a j poucher I was aware that my anatomy was going to be jumbled up a bit and that sex might be different afterward and maybe uncomfortable. Well I have found vaginal intercourse (i am a woman) to be a bit painful. Is this common and how do we adapt?

The first question to that is how long have you had your jpouch attached and working? The answers can be super different. If your pouch is relatively new, this is not uncommon at all. My junk was tilted while my jpouch was new/healing because of the swelling. Remember that for women the jpouch and uterus are sharing the same real estate and often have to fight for space. Now when you stick a weiner into that mix there is even less space. If your pouch is new, I would wait a little longer. I know the swelling for me took FOREVER to go down, luckily I didn’t have any pain, but I know it was not right for a long time. It was so off that I went to see my gynecologist and just asked her if my vag was broken.  It might be worth a trip to that doctor. Your surgeon doesn’t care if your lady bits work, your gyno does. She/he can check you out and see if there is anything a miss in there. For me that appointment was really comforting as weird and creepy as that sounds. If your pouch is older or at least a year old, again I think the space thing comes into play here. The harder you bang the more pressure you’re putting on your insides. When I was scared that my junk would be forever tilted, my gyno suggested that I go on top. She said that we have better control over everything when we’re on top.

Whether your pouch is old, or new I’d say the key to things is getting checked out and making sure your junk is all ok. No one told me your uterus/vagina could be affected at all during jpouch srugery. I never realized the placement of one could affect the other. Think about it, the colon goes up and around, and it is never in the way. You have to teach your new organs to play nice with the old ones. The next part is just trial and error and patience. Go slow, try different positions, and if you need it, use lube. We don’t need any reason for things to be moved more than they need to. Also, be nice to your pouch. Remember the harder the sex the more tension is being put on your body inside and outside. You are straining your butt to make sure you don’t shit, and the insides are getting moved back and forth. Be mindful of the fact that your insides have recently been picked up, lifted, twitsted, turned, sewed, stapled, whatever.

Currently I am suffering from quite a bit of pain from adhesions in the bowl loop and take pain killers (Tramadol etc). My sex drive sucks and I am hardly in the mood due to the pain. Any suggestions? My wife is frustrated.

I had to consult outside sources on this one, because well, I don’t have a weiner. Here is what I’ve learned and chances are you’re not going to like it. The effects of the meds are there even when you’ve stopped taking them for a while, so this could continue to be a problem even if you stop needing pain meds. One person told me that if you didn’t take a pill a few hours before potential sex that can help. Also I’d say increase the foreplay x10. I doubt your wife will object. Another suggestion was to use this time to perfect your other sexual skills, just because you can’t finish during sex doesn’t mean she can’t either. If she is frustrated, spend some time on her, and take yourself out of the equation. That might help. Also remember that when they go in there nipping and cutting, they are messing with a lot of nerves. It is possible that your problem is not just due to pain meds. These are things you should really be talking to your surgeon about. Its possible they can give you something to help. But unfortunately there is no real quick fix for this problem. The way to solve it, is to get off the meds for a while, but if that isn’t an option, perhaps you need to be more creative in your sex life.

What are approaches for bringing up the ostomy topic with regards to sex in various situations? Two example situations:
1. Someone you’re dating seriously with longer term potential.
2: Someone you’re dating more casually.

Here is what I think about dating…granted I haven’t tried this..but this is my take. I don’t think you should be like “Hi I’m Jackie, I poop outta my stomach into a shit bag”. I’d say thats a little much. I would start dating like anyone else would. For me, Colitis, and my jpouch are a HUGE  part of my life, I’m on committees and I do summer camp for kids with IBD. It has become who I am, so for me I couldn’t hide it if I wanted to. For the average person, it is not who you are, its just apart of you. So I say you date, you let that person get to know you, trust you. Then, when you’ve created a relationship on trust and common interest then you start with telling them your history. Explain what it was like when you were sick, and what the disease is. You end your story with explaining how your ostomy saved your life. When people understand that it was not a choice, that it was a matter of life or death they look at ostomies differently. They tend to see the person, not the bag of poop. If it were me, I would also give that person an out at that time. The reality is, you have an ostomy and a lot of people don’t know how to handle that. Period. It doesn’t make them bad people it just makes them uneducated. Educate them the best you can. If you explain your story, and your ostomy and tell that boy/girl, “I know this is a lot to take in, and I understand if it is too much for you.” It is easy to say if it was flipped around, you’d be totally understanding. But the reality is there are many things we think we can handle but we can’t. I think honesty is the best way to handle it, but only after you’ve decided this is a person that is worth your time. A person that you create a relationship with after time together. Your ostomy might make you a better judge of character!

Now if you’re looking just for the Date N’ Bang that is a different story. I think the less info you can give the better. For this scenario I would invest in some body wraps, or my fav, tube tops to cover. Try to be mindful of what you eat, and empty your bag before so it isn’t as noticeable. Frankly, be prepared for people to want to bail on you. That sucks, but I think its true. When I think about this situation I always think about Tucker Max, who is a real asshole who released books that make him look like an even bigger asshole. In one of his real life stories, he is about to have a random hook up and realizes the girl has an ostomy. Hes weirded out…but he’s Tucker Max, so he bangs her anyway. It all comes down to the type of person it is. If its someone you’re seeing casually you need to consider, first if you really want to be banging people you casually date (That was my don’t bang the world speech. Right there. That one line), and if you’re actually just in it for the banging and not the dating. If you just wanna bang, full disclosure up front I say. No need getting yourself all hot and heavy to have someone turn you down when your clothes come off.

The reality is you probably will encounter people who are no ok with it, and that blows. But I think what is most important is to remember they aren’t rejecting you as a person. Humans are not ok with anything out of the norm. I have talked to a lot of people who had ostomies in their primal bangin’ years and all of them said the same thing “There were still people who wanted to bang me”. There are people who will not care.

Also, this could all be bullshit. I don’t know so why not think of it as an experiment? Don’t be afraid of your stoma, talk about it. Try different techniques with different people, poll your friends, do whatever that will make you feel comfortable because in the end that is what is going to matter the most. If you’re freakin out about it, you’re never going to nab a great chick to nail, she will see through your fake confidence.
Here is a take on dating and ostomies from Piper.

I’ve had my ileostomy for a couple of months and I’m still really uncomfortable with it.  I was wondering how past partners of yours or your friends’ have handled having a partner with an ostomy.
See the above post about dating. But when it comes to just being comfortable with it that all boils down to you. You need to learn how to see your ostomy as a life saving device basically. “I need this to live”, that way you realize you have to have it. If you start to date someone and are uncomfortable around them because of your ostomy, I can’t imagine that you’re going to be dating long. Confidence is sexy. Being alive is even more super sexy. When it comes to my current boyfriend, we were dating about 2 years before I got my ostomy. Franky he hasn’t and will never talk to me about how he felt about it, which made it really hard for me to deal with it all. But here is what I do know, we still banged. A lot. I know I was way more concerned with it than he was, for SURE. If we were having sex and his hand barely touched my bag, in my mind I had a mental freak out, but he clearly could have cared less. I wore a tube top over my bag, and wore it sideways, so when it came time for sex my ostomy was already covered up. There are a lot of wraps and other things you can buy to cover your ostomy if you’re worried about it showing and being in the open. I’ve found many are expensive, so I always just used my trusty skin colored tube top, and that made me feel better. I think that was the biggest thing was for me to feel comfortable. Mental preparation is just as important as physical. In the beginning, wear a shirt, keep the lights off, wear a wrap and do whatever you need to do just to get confident in sex again. Once you realize it is exactly the same as it was before, you can turn the lights on, take all of your clothes off…do whatever to get your sex life rockin’ again.

Were you worried about leaking during sex?

Ok internet here is a secret I haven’t told you. I have not had a leak during sex. But I did lose my bag completely….twice. I know, I know, HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN? First I want to say that it was a 2 piece bag, and that I seriously don’t know. No clue. Second, I don’t know if my boyfriend even knew. And if he did, he never said anything (and still hasn’t broken up with me). Here is what I conclude from this…if I have lost the bag all together and gotten away with it, you can spring a leak with your ostomy and get away with it. Also a good partner won’t flip their shit about it. In order to help with a leak, I say wear some kind of cover over your ostomy, it is one last line of defence from getting shit all over. Be mindful of your ostomy, feel free to reach down and check it ever 4th thrust or something, that way you can catch a leak before you’re rolling in it. Also, I’m pretty sure the fact that, that happened to me twice and it wasn’t noticed, is proof that there is a God. Or a magic unicorn who likes me. Something. AND don’t let my experience scare you. I wasn’t doing crazy sex flips or anything so I’m not sure how I lost those bags (I was pretty schwasted though)…and I’m still here. I’m still alive and I didn’t die of complete embarrassment on the spot. Shocking I know. Realize that weird things happen during sex all the time, we all have weirdo war stories. If yours is your ostomy leaking…I think you’re like a General of sex stories or something.

If you’re worried about your jpouch leaking that is a different story. I don’t know if men with jpouches worry about leaking, but I can assume that because there is no spreading of the legs or ass cheeks or anything that they’re fine. BUT maybe you’re into some freaky stuff, guy with a jpouch, and if you are write to me and tell me what you do, unless your freaky stuff includes pooping on people. ANYWAY, for me I was told to wait the usual 4-6 weeks or so to have sex post take down. I waited a whopping 2 weeks. And prior to the sex I was freaking out calling my jpouch ladies asking if they shit on their boyfriends/husbands when they had sex for the first time and I got an unanimous “no”. I didn’t understand, I mean, HOW COULD YOU NOT? I was scared going into it, it was probably the worst sex ever for him cause I was mentally thinking about my ass the whole time. But alas, no leak. I haven’t ever leaked during sex since then and lets just say I try to test this out as often as I can. There are times when I feel more pressure there than I’d like, and I just sorta do some butt cheek squeezing and its no problem. There are even times when I don’t feel well, I’ve been crapping all night, and my stomach hurts…and even then, no leaks. I do this all in the name of research for you guys. After I realized I could conquer sex, my next worry was uh, what about doggy style?  It would be a life disaster if you pooped bangin’ that way. Well… since I’m such a good researcher I’ll tell you this way requires a bit more concentration. Due to the nature of the spreading, your muscles kinda think, “oh hey, its time to take a shit”, and you have to have a chat with them and tell them to shut the fuck up. I know this sounds like a lot of extra thinking during sex, but its really not. I have also not pooped when taking it from behind, and infact because there is less pressure from the top, it is better. I will say that for ladies with a pouch the best place to be is on top. Your chances of getting hurt are far less, and due to the nature of the position you are far less likely to poop. but I’m telling you its a sort of magical thing because you don’t poop. I have YET to find a lady who has pooped with her pouch. And if you have…write to me and tell me what you did. Unless you died of embarrassment, and can’t write because you’re dead. But that didn’t happen because it doesn’t happen. I can’t explain it. Having a jpouch and not shitting during sex just this unexplainable phenomenon.

I was wondering how I can more easily avoid hurting my stoma? And about something to keep that stupid bag out of the way! It really has ruined the moment more than once for me :/ Not to mention I have to wear a BELT with it for the time being….

Oh that god forsaken belt! I never felt less sexy when I was cuddling and like touching each others skin and my boyfriends hand would get caught up on my god damned ostomy belt. I effing hated that thing..but it worked well for me.  You could always take the belt off right when the business starts to happen and put it right back on after. I know that can be a risk, but its your risk to take.  As for covers, there are a lot of wraps and covers out there. Ostomy Secrets is probably the biggest company for this, but I never bought their stuff. I used a $5 tube top I bought on amazon and had them in a bunch of colors. I used the nude one for sexy time.

When it comes to hurting the stoma are you worried about when someone hits it? Or are you hurting it from using your core muscles? If its from being hit on accident, I’d say just be a better defender. I feel like I was always protecting my stoma in one way or another if I could help it, but the best way to protect it is to be in control. If you’re a woman that means being on top and if you’re a man …that means…well I guess that could mean doing it from behind. I’m not sure, I don’t know if men have this particular problem. You can also protect your stoma by changing the way you lay. I’m sure you know this but you can still lay on your stomach and your side as long as you bend one leg, which just prevents you from laying 100% flat.  If your pain is from the muscles, you need to be more careful about twisting and turning and stuff. It might mean a less adventurous sex life, but you will still have a sex life.  Some of this might stem from having weak core muscles. After have surgeries our cores get SUPER weak and any kind of sudden motion can really be painful. Building up your core can help with that but only do this if you’re cleared for abdominal exercises. Working your back is good too because when you work your back you work your abs too, they work together. Strengthening your back will help your stomach.

Here are some of my tips for good sex with a jpouch or ostomy:

1. It is good practice not to eat late with an ostomy or a pouch but try to plan ahead if you plan on bangin’.
2. Empty your bag or pouch before it’s sexy time.
3. If you’re more comfortable covered up, be covered up. Wraps, tube tops, clothes, saran wrap, whatever floats your sex boat.
4. Chill the fuck out. Calm down. Its just sex…and chances are if who you’re bangin likes you…they won’t be distracted by what you’ve got going on.
5. Take it all slow. Don’t bust out the sex swing 2 weeks post op. Your insides were jiggled, remember that its all healing or has been rearranged. It might take some time to get to feeling normal again.
6. Get creative. You might have to try different positions, techniques, toys or whatever to get to your previous sexual glory. Don’t be discouraged, I mean super short people bang super tall people every day. Everyone has their own sexual problem to conquer and if this is yours figure out a way to make it work for you.
7. As soon as its convenient, go to the bathroom again after its over. This way you can check your bag for any potential issues from your crazy sex, and you can also empty again if you need to.


So those are my final answers. Please feel free to ask more, explain more, correct me if I’m wrong. Geez, now I feel like the fucked up version of Dear Abby.