I am in a fabulous mood right now, so I figured because I am happy and peppy now would be a good time to write about what its like to go through UC and surgery with an “uncaring partner”. This topic is generally pretty depressing for me, so this is why I’ve chosen now to discuss it.
I tend to share everything with you Internet, and I do mean everything. The one thing that I don’t really talk about is that I am dating a robot. Think less C-3PO (he has a personality and talks) and more R2D2. He functions as a human but is missing human characteristics like emotions, sympathy, regret…etc. The robot’s number one mission is to keep itself running.
Boyfriend and I have been together 4 and a half years and 3 of those years I was sick. When I tell most people that, I get a lot of “oh he must really love you”, or essentially telling me how amazing he is for not leaving me during that time. I will say that from the outside, it may seem as though that is the case, however, that isn’t really what happened. To put it all really bluntly Boyfriend didn’t care when I was sick, having surgeries, dying from the inside out, or when I was suicidal. And not in the its-so-sweet-it-doesn’t-bother-him not care kind of way, but more in the “I literally just don’t give a fuck” kind of way.
In the beginning when IBD was new and we still didn’t know what was really wrong, he cared more. I remember him sleeping on the floor of my tiny ICU room in a hospital that was almost 2 hours away from his job. I remember not thinking anything of it, because I thought “this is how it’s supposed to be”. Once my condition was more clear, and later as it got worse Boyfriend also began to care less. Some people said, “He just doesn’t know how to handle you being sick.” If you knew Boyfriend, I think you’d know that wasn’t the case.
Boyfriend isn’t what you’d call supportive. In fact, he had no interest in my doctor’s appointments, my surgeries, my setbacks or my progress. Boyfriend doesn’t care about this blog and has never read it. Boyfriend doesn’t understand why I volunteer a week of my life for Camp Oasis. More than likely he can’t tell you that what I had is called Ulcerative Colitis, and that I have Multiple Sclerosis. These are just not things that matter in Boyfriend’s life.
Now that you’ve gotten a glimpse into my very private relationship, you may understand slightly what its been like dating Boyfriend, the robot, while I was very sick. I looked to my family, who in turn were amazing and gave more support than I probably deserved. I learned not to expect support from Boyfriend and just go to the places where I KNEW I could get it…..family, other friends, and you guys here at my blog.
Since I’m laying this all out here, I know that you’re all going to judge me. I know some of you may be thinking “you deserve better”, “he’s an asshole”, or my favorite “you are a dumbass”. Chances are if you were me, I would be thinking the same thing about you too. I am, in fact, not dumb. I know how it looks, I know how it feels, and I’m not blissfully ignoring how things are/were and pretending like it’s all ok.
There may be some of you out there who have people in your life who are like this. Maybe its your spouse or parents. But here is where I tell you how to deal with it.
You make a choice. You choose to deal with it, or you don’t. Easier said than done…trust me…I know.
But if you choose to deal with it you’ll need to develop a source of support somewhere else. Hopefully you have other family members who will stand by you, or friends who care deeply for you. You find other people who understand, like on blog or facebook sites. Most importantly you learn to be self-sufficient. If you don’t need that person, then it won’t hurt as much when they choose not to help you. Is this a depressing way to look at it? Sure. Is it wrong? No. No one can tell you what your relationship is supposed to be like, or look like, or act like. You know the reasons why you stay (and if you don’t, you better figure them out). I will say that I would have liked for Boyfriend to have been more caring and supportive through all of this but because he wasn’t I learned to be much more self-sufficient. I am baffled when I read that other people have their spouses change their ostomy appliances or give them their shots. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I depend on no one. I think that there are a lot of people out there who could learn a little independence.
Am I jaded by Boyfriend and our relationship? Yes. Aren’t we all jaded by someone at one point or another? At the end of the day here is what you need to know about Boyfriend and myself. He has irrefutably let me down in the hardest time of my life. Due to that I have learned to depend on myself almost to a fault. I also don’t know if I can ever “forgive” for that, but frankly he’s never shown any interest in my forgiveness. Boyfriend still makes me laugh, and I still have a good time when I am with him. We have shockingly similar interests aside from health issues. If anything he has been a constant in my life during the ups and downs. You guys know how I feel about marriage and babies and Boyfriend feels the same way. So for right now…Boyfriend works. He provides me with what I need from him right now. What may be hard to understand for many is that what I need from Boyfriend is not what most people need from their significant other. I do not depend on him for my emotional or physical health and well-being. I don’t depend on him financially. I don’t depend on him. Period.
Current Music: The Postal Service…all of it. On repeat.
(I’ve decided to list my music when I post because I just want to. And I do what I want.)