I am a planner. Always have been. For most things, my plans have plans and that helps me from worrying and freaking out. I predict all possible outcomes and then plan out what path I’ll take depending on the outcome. I’m a little neurotic about planning, just ask Charis.
However today I realized something.
I don’t plan long-term anymore.
When I got sick I totally lost all my planning power and since I’m so neurotic that was a huge struggle for me. But slowly over time I learned how to just let things happen because I couldn’t control anything or plan for outcomes. Today I was having a chat with my future brother-in-law and he was asking me all sorts of questions about where I see myself in 5, 10, 35 years. And I was honestly like, I don’t know…alive? He was asking me about jobs and where I’d like to be versus where I am, and what I pictured way down the line and I just didn’t have any normal kind of answer. I realized that being sick changed that about me. I’m still totally neurotic about things that I can control and that are happening right now, but anything further than this year is an open book.
Here is what I know:
I want to be happy and healthy and have a job.
There you go. Future planned. I know what kind of job I want (and have), but I don’t know if I’ll always have it or want to do it. I could get sick again and lose my job again, or lose the motor skills it takes to do that job. He asked me if I planned on staying in my house for the forseeable future and I just thought…I hope so. I could lose my house, which I love. He asked me if I was 100% sure I don’t want a family. I learned the hard way that you can never be 100% sure about anything. I don’t plan for kids, I don’t particularly want them but life changes. People change.
It dawned on me that most people have some kind of plan for their extended future. Granted many people out there are just happily floating through life, but the average joe has a plan for the next 10 or 15 years that includes more than be alive and make money.
Is this a chronic illness thing? Or is this a weird Jackie thing? Sometimes I feel like a lost 22 yr old, and other times I just feel like a calm collected adult that has learned to roll with the punches.
I think some of this stems from the generational changes from my parents to me. In my parents generation, you got a job, got married, had babies. You stayed in that house until you could afford a bigger better one, and you stayed at your job for as long as possible because there was a loyalty to your employer and it was rewarded. People didn’t switch jobs the way they do now. Picking a career was “final” and now its more like “what I feel like doing for the next 3 years”. My house is small and old but I love it. One day I’ll make enough money to move out of it, but I don’t think I will. And well, you all know how I feel about babies. “Settling down” isn’t really on my radar because it’s not like I’m particularly wild anyway. Actually last Friday night was full of insanity as I sat alone on my couch watching documentaries and crocheting. True Story.
Perhaps its just that I’m not worried about my future, because I’ve learned its exhausting worrying about the unknown. Or perhaps I’m just up for the adventure that accompanies a life unplanned. I don’t know and I’m ok with not knowing.