Whelp…I’m dating again and because I can’t keep my mouth shut about my butt, I know I’m getting some new hits to this site from potential mates. I’ve talked a lot about dating in some previous posts on Health Central. One about relationship essentials for IBDers, another about dating tips. I figure I’m no ace when is comes to dating so I wanted to reach out to my new visitors with a letter.

Dear Future Suitor,

Welcome to my blog. Congrats on the successful Google search of my name. There are a few things that you should know about dating me. Chances are this would probably be an uncomfortable conversation so lets just skip to the part where I give you information and you choose whether or not you want to talk to me again.

1. I like lists.

2. I talk about my butt…a lot.

3. I talk about poop… a lot a lot.

4. There may be times when I choose food or booze. Sometimes my stomach just can’t handle both.

5. I will probably end up in the ER during the course of our relationship if we seriously date. Its just something that happens periodically.

6. For as open as I am about my butt disease, I am very private when it comes to bathroom usage. I will go to the basement, upstairs, or where ever the furthest bathroom is when I have to use it. Please leave me alone when I’m bathrooming. Sometimes I’ll be in there a while, I’m not dying, don’t check on me.

7. I don’t have a colon. That means that sometimes I’m a rockstar boozer and other times I’m a total lightweight. Please be prepared for both. Also be prepared for when I choose not to drink at all because I’m not feeling well.

8. Following #7 I have to be honest. Sometimes during my sleep, I will shit the bed. Now it doesn’t happen a lot and I do everything I can to prevent it but it has happened. This is a terrifying thing that I have to live with. There is nothing more mortifying in your adult life, so if you happen to be sleeping next to me please have a heart. In the same token, if this is something you think you can’t handle (and I don’t blame you), please stop seeing me before we get to the point that we’re sharing a bed.

9. I have IBD and Multiple Sclerosis. Both are a big deal. If it hasn’t scared you off, please do a quick google search and learn a little about both. If that also didn’t scare you off, please be open with me about what you would like to know.

10. I have put my whole life on the internet. This blog and others chronicle my journey into and out of sickness and all the dark paths that I took along the way. If you choose to read it, you will get great insight into my life in a very personal way. It gives you an unfair advantage.

11. I know I put on a really carefree exterior about all of this shit, but sometimes it really starts to weigh on me. I may get overwhelmed and cry about it.

Hopefully you’re cool with all of this. If not, that’s a bummer but my bionic ass is non-negotiable. If you can handle the crazy health disaster that is my life, sweet. Chances are you’ve got my number. Ball is in your court.