Well the title just about says it all, doesn’t it?

Ugh. You guys. I’ve recently started seeing someone new. Someone who I really care about who is so great in so many ways and I just want to gush and gush and throw out smiley emoticons because that’s how I feel. So life is great, right?

No.

Last night I totally shit his bed. This is something that rarely, if ever, happens to me– maybe twice this whole year but it happened last night.  While I was sleeping next to someone else. While we were sleeping in a bed that is not my own. Cue dramatic death due to embarrassment. If you have a j-pouch, you know the feeling of “fuck, I just shit the bed”, but this is like a whole new level. This is, “fuck I just shit the bed, panic in the bathroom for about 15 minutes, create a plan, change the plan, panic again, get a new game plan, go wake up someone you like and inform them that you have just shit in their ridiculously comfortable bed.”  Their new bed might I add.

So I did it. I woke him up, and asked him to go sleep on the couch while I cleaned the sheets up and scrubbed the mattress. For an hour or so, I just kept scrubbing it hoping that while I cleaned the mattress I could also clean my conscious and perhaps scrub away my shame as well.

It was about 3:30am when this happened so after I figured my scrubbing wasn’t actually doing any good, I decided to try to go back to sleep. I grabbed towel and laid it on the bed because what is more fun that shitting bed? Shitting the bed twice. However, the Gods smiled down on me and didn’t let me humiliate myself twice in the same night, and instead just let me sit there and cry to myself about how awful it felt to be me in that moment. I cried until my alarm went off at 6am reminding me that I had to confront this situation again.

I didn’t know what to do. What to say. How to act. So I just shut down, retracted and basically avoided him while I got ready for work until I couldn’t hold it in anymore and just burst out into tears. I cried and he did exactly what you’d want someone to do. He hugged me. He kissed me. He told me wonderful things. He handled it exactly the way that you’d hope someone would. But it didn’t make it any less humiliating.

Right now…this is my life. In that moment every bit of confidence I’ve worked to have and possess seemed to slip away and all I felt were the insecurities that this whole situation forced upon me. Now don’t get me wrong, he is amazing. I couldn’t have asked for someone to handle it better, but it almost doesn’t matter at all how he reacted because it has become this incredibly overwhelming internal battle that I never want to have. ever. again.  And then I started to feel angry, and I hate being angry about IBD things. I work so hard to never be angry about things I can’t help, but this made me so angry, and maybe the anger was there to mask the overwhelming shame that I feel, but I left feeling defeated. I just can’t even…

Am I being perhaps a bit dramatic? Maybe? Does it feel any less mortifying? No. I mean there are very few things that leave you feeling this vulnerable; shitting someone else’s bed will definitely put you in the uber vulnerable category. You can’t help but feel like you’re at the other person’s mercy. Like if they never want to talk to you again…that would be understandable. If they are understanding but still freaked out….understandable. If they are completely accepting and it doesn’t phase them at all…then they are a person to be cherished.

I’m sure I’ll get over this but right now I just feel so much anger and shame. I want to crawl into a hole and die.  Why couldn’t I have shit the bed of my shitty ex-boyfriend? He deserved that.  But no, I had to lose control over my flippin’ bowel while sleeping next to someone who barely knows me. Someone I want to impress, someone I would like to be attracted to me. Someone who has now officially seen me in one of my darkest places.  I get angry about this when it happens to me when I’m alone in my own bed, I just never fathomed what it would feel like with someone else. Granted, I did tell him this could happen. I said it purely as a proactive approach to something I never dreamed I’d have to actually deal with.

I don’t really know what else to say. This post is all over the place and its not funny because I have yet to see the humor in it at this point. I just needed to share with you guys.

A big thank you to my very good friend Katherine who helped me vocalize some of what I felt today.

Advertisements