That cute little deer up there trudging through the suck is me. I’m all adorable and covered in the mud of life.
If you’re familiar with Brené Brown (if you’re not, do yourself a favor and get familiar with her), you know she wrote this book I’m currently reading called The Gifts of Imperfection. This is the shortest book with the biggest fucking message I think I’ve ever read. It’s so information dense that I have to put it down after like 20 pages and just stew on what it said. Anyway, in this book she talks about her 2007 Breakdown, or as her therapist called it her 2007 Spiritual Awakening.
I am currently experiencing a 2015 Breakdown/Spiritual Awakening. I had a particularly emotional/difficult/complicated/ugly crying therapy session this week and I realized I’m in a complete breakdown of all the things I thought I knew. So many people always say that the older they get the less they know and that’s pretty much how I feel about most things in life right now. The more I soul search, and work on myself and self-love/worth things, the more I seem to uncover. It’s getting hard and its making me question literally everything in life right now.
- Am I a good friend?
- Am I good daughter and sister?
- Do I know anything about running a business?
- Is my grammar anywhere near as good as I think it is?
- Why don’t I know how to drill into tile?
- Should I have quit my job?
- Will I be alone forever?
- How long is forever, really? I mean, what are we talking here?
- Is there anyone on this planet that is worth dating?
- Does grief ever get easier? And can it please stop manifesting into various other places in my life?
- Should I be taking this or that medication for this or that health ailment?
- What exactly is regret and is it a real thing?
- Do I actually like Iggy Azalea?
I’m in a full-blown existential crisis right now, ya’ll. I find myself doing all the things that I do when I’m depressed; isolating, sleeping more, never eating or eating too much, etc. But I’m not really depressed. It is literally like I don’t know who I am right now. I had a long talk with my sister about this and she said (in a very loving way) that I basically went about all this the wrong way. That usually people work on a spiritual awakening when the rest of their life is stable. Or they make a huge career change when their personal life is stable. I, on the other hand, said fuck that! Let’s make this real messy and do it all at the same time, because of course I did. I had no idea what I was really getting into when I decided to dig deep and work on who I am as a person.
Working on “self” is such a clichés topic and most people will never do it, so it’s really hard to explain what is so difficult about it. All I know is that I’m on a teeter totter right now and I either need to choose to walk down the other side and really dig in and do this work. Or I need to retreat to the other side where it’s all safe and familiar and I can go on being marginally happy and making the same stupid choices over and over again. AND I REALLY DON’T KNOW WHICH IS BETTER!!
I’ve done all the surface work for improving myself. I’ve learned some new concepts, I’ve changed a few habits. It’s like I’ve completed Self Help 101 but the next step is a lot harder. This is where we fix some things and it gets all spiritual and philosophical and it’s really fucking scary. Not only that, it’s really hard to look at your self under such a drastic microscope. To evaluate choices you made years ago and how they’ve change who you are today. To look at your friendships and think about if they’re really the right ones or not and if that matters. To see yourself as a package you want to share with other people and wonder if that is a package you’d want to receive.
The good news is that Brené came out of her 2007 Breakdown/Spiritual Awakening, wrote some amazing books and is basically BFF with Oprah now. If I remove fear from my choices, I know that digging in and doing this is the right path to be on. I know I will come out the other side the best version of me I am capable of. I just really hate feeling out of control, which is often how I felt when I was sick. I like plans and planners and calendar invites and having everything laid out. This makes me feel very out of control. This is basically the life equivalent of cleaning your room and it has to get messier before it gets cleaner. And boy am I messing this shit up real good before we clean it.
I am trudging through the suck pretty hardcore right now. I know there will be a time when I’m walking on fucking sunshine again, but the suck is deep and its vast and sometimes I just wanna sink right into it and let it eat me.