So I started roller derby. I know, right?! After much talking and about a million questions to my good friend Christy over at Ostomy on the Track, I finally decided (after almost 10 years of wishing) that it was time to start training and work towards getting placed on a team.
Hey Friends. I have been pretty MIA lately due to a busy life, a growing non-profit and an active social life. All of which wouldn’t be possible with my awesome jpouch. I put it to the ultimate test a few weeks ago though when I went on a 3 day, 4 night hiking trip at Big Bend National Park in Texas.
Hey guys. What’s up? Not much here.
That’s a lie.
I am one busy mofo. Hopefully you can tell that by the fact that I have not updated in over a month. …….bad blogger.
So heres the updates!
I am working hard at my new job, which I love. I feel fortunate to have it everyday and even more fortunate that my whole medical history is not an issue.
I am working my ass of for Girls With Guts right now. We are in full steam for planning our 2013 Fall Retreat. Holy crap you guys, I am so nervous but at the same time SO SO SO excited. If you’re a lady with IBD/ostomy/jpouch, I really urge you to check it out. I think we have an amazing weekend planned and frankly, it would mean a whole hell of a lot to me if some of you came. So many of you have been so important in my IBD path, and it would be nice to be able to thank you in person. If you are having a problem affording it, we’ve got scholarships! Deadline is the end of July so act fast! Also I swear that wasn’t a commercial, but its just a HUGE part of my life and I really want people to come because I think it would be really helpful and be a great resource.
I am speaking at conferences! I’ve been invited to speak at two conferences this year (I’ve declined one) but I was also asked to come speak and mentor at the Michigan Girls Scouts of America leadership camp. In the giddy 12 year old me, I am really really excited about this. I was a Girl Scout as a kid, and I remember having mostly fond memories (until I got kicked out, but that’s another story), and I remember it being a really positive part of my life. There is something inherently exciting about speaking to a group of young girls who are motivated and excited.
I’m back to my neurologist to start a new drug for my Multiple Sclerosis. This is sort of a touchy subject for me because I feel happy and healthy and I don’t want to be on any medication. None. I take NOTHING now and its so fantastic. But by not taking anything for MS, it’s not necessarily helping me, more or less just letting me throw my oblivious ignorant fit about being med free. So now I’m stuck between this adult rock and hard place where I want to just enjoy being healthy for the first time and a long time, and throwing a tantrum about taking meds because I DONT WANNNNNNAAAA. Getting back into medical mode is a little difficult. Doing testing again is obnoxious. But alas I am an adult and not an unruly 4 yr old. My new med won’t be a flavorful Flintstone vitamin but hell, there are medical breakthroughs everyday. You never know. Remicade could become a maple syrup you slap on pancakes once a month. Humira could just be the active ingredient in a new energy shot. A girl can dream.
I ran the Tough Mudder. It was 12 miles and 20-some military obstacles. While I’d like to be all, “CRUSHED IT”, the reality is that I did it, I finished, but I’m sure it was not pretty. It was 12 long miles of mud, mud, electrocution, mud, walls, the coldest water I’ve ever been in, mud, mud, and the norovirus. Apparently in the Michigan course we also had the added benefit of a gastrointestinal bug. Lucky day! But get this. I think I’ve put enough Good Gut Karma into the world that I didn’t get it. Dude, I know. Days after the race normal, healthy, coloned people were dropping line flies due to IBD like symptoms. I, however was not fazed. I wonder if I gave all of Tough Mudder IBD. Suckaz. The summary is that I didn’t train enough (per usual) and it was hard but not impossible. Honestly, my body and its abilities keeps amazing me. It may not be the hottest bod, or the strongest, but its been through a lot and now I have a fancy orange Tough Mudder head band.
But that’s pretty much it. I hope guys are well. I have some more stuff in the cue for postings soon so check back and I swear to not disappear again.
I wanted to talk to you guys about employment and how to tackle the medical history exposure part of it. I am only going to speak of my experience, as that is what I know best.
More than likely, I’ll be breaking this post into two parts because if I don’t, I know you guys won’t read it all, and this is about to be some inspiring shit ya’ll.
So the first part is how I’m going to tell you that I totally understand employment and financial woes.
Before I was diagnosed with UC, I was working a mediocre job that I liked, but didn’t love. It paid my bills – barely – but I had enough money and freedom at my job to live a comfortable life. Then I started to get sick. And then I got sicker.
My job performance lacked and for a while my employer understood, but as I got sicker and I wasn’t as good of an employee as I previously was, their compassion dwindled. I think they thought whatever was wrong with me would go away, but when I had to leave work to go to the ER unexpectedly, which would turn into a week-long hospital stay… they weren’t so understanding.
Then the complications started. The long and short of it all is that I eventually got fired. Yes, I know that is technically illegal. But I was too poor and way too sick to do anything about it at that time. Besides, it opened up the door to grad school. The most important part of this was that I knew that I’d not be able to get another job at that time of my life. I had at least 2 surgeries approaching, and no one would ever hire me if they knew that.
Not to mention that I had already posted to the world that I had Multiple Sclerosis, and by this time I was already telling the internet about the graphic details of my bowel movements. Sure there have been moments where I thought about going anonymous, or perhaps even stopping blogging, in the fear that I would always be tainted by the healthy history I’ve posted on the internet.
But honestly (and this will sound super cheesy), I felt like it all had a bigger purpose. I knew I was helping people from the emails that I would get, and more importantly I was helping myself. I have posted my biggest ups and the deepest downs on this blog… you guys know it all. And most of the time I feel like its just you and me butt buddies. But I forget the harsh reality that the world is always lurking. And frankly, smart employers are looking for potential employees by Googling them.
There is that old adage that “If they won’t hire you because you’re sick, you don’t want to work for them anyway”. Right. Thats easy to say when you don’t need a job. The reality is that there is stuff on the internet since 2006 about my medical disasters and much more now specifically about my issues with my diseased ass. Oh..and there is that. Have you guys noticed my vocabulary? Its not like I can use this blog as a writing sample, and there is the whole ‘wanting to die’ thing that I so publicly pushed to the world. Sometimes I think I paint myself as a diseased, mental case with a tiny vocabulary.
If I weren’t me, I would have thought that I’d never get a job. At least that’s what I thought until about a year or so ago. I was still in grad school and I had a former teach approach me about a graduate student assistant position through the school. I wasn’t even looking for a job, but it paid my tuition so I said I’d take the interview. Well…I nailed it. I got a job offer that day. You guys, I felt on top of the world. For the first time since I was fired, I was working a REAL job that wasn’t under the table, working on REAL projects and making a REAL “paycheck”. Well…at least this is what I thought. The reality is this is the first time anyone had wanted to give me a job in a long time, and the first time I felt worthy of a job. It did scare me that they’d look me up and see that I was some degenerate swearing butt talker. I had my family telling me I “deserved” the job, but I didn’t feel like that. It was only a part time job and all I could think about was, “Can I even do 20 hours a week?”. But I had this shining moment where I realized that I didn’t get that job because of anything other than they thought I could do it and that I brought something to the table. This GSA position was like a real job, and I wasn’t just a gopher. I did that job well for a year until I graduated and then had planned on trying my damnest to find another job. During that year, I worked hard, played hard and met some fantastic co-workers. No one there knew I was sick, or had been sick.
And when I decided to tell them all, you know what they did? Told me that I was impressive. They didn’t say that my job was on the line or anything negative but that despite my illnesses they respected me that much more. I must have impressed them, because right before graduation, they offered me a full time job at the library. And university jobs are no joke, we’re talking like a real grown up job, with grown up money and benefits and no one gave half a shit about my health history. IN FACT…most of my co-workers donated to Girls With Guts.
I want to also tell you guys that during this time I had many conversations with friends and blog readers about finding employment after you post your crap (literally) to the world. After starting Girls With Guts, it became my goal to work for myself – that way I never had to worry about who my boss was and what would happen if I got sick again. However, working full time for your own non-profit is incredibly difficult. After graduation I had to be realistic in my job prospects…I had to find a job that would pay my bills, and give me some flexibility in my life to be able to run GWG…
Stay tuned..part two tomorrow!
I made the choice about 2 weeks ago to switch to a Paleo diet. Since diet is such a common topic among my Butt Buddies I figured I’d let you in on what I’ve been doing. So here are the basics.
What is Paleo?
Paleo is also known as the “caveman” diet which basically means you only eat things that cavemen could have eaten in their time. Seem rudimentary doesn’t it? Trust me there is no pointing and grunting involved and if you’ve ever tried eating Gluten Free its very similar.
Here are the very very basic cliffsnotes:
As organic as you can get. All those hippie terms are now your BFF.
Things that are organic, locally grown, grass-fed, free range, no GMO, ect.
Dairy (except eggs)
Grains (ALL grains)
Legumes (peanuts, and chickpeas, ect)
Fried food/fast food
OR you can use this fancy info graphic to help you make your choices. (Click to view larger)
So that’s it pretty much. Now go and stuff your face with meats and veggies. Well initially this sounds awful and quite frankly scary from an IBD standpoint. The basic theory on the Paleo diet (or lifestyle I prefer to use, because “diet” insinuates that its temporary), is that when cavemen were bee boppin’ around, humans didn’t discover agriculture yet, and because of that we didn’t eat grains. Actually grains are pretty difficult for out bodies to digest, those of you who are GF already know this. And grains are one of the more processed things that we eat daily, and things we are lead to believe are “good” for us. The reality is a single piece of bread is very processed, and most grains honestly do not hold much nutritional value. Sure there is the whole grain argument, but I’m not here to argue, I’m just explaining Paleo.
Why can’t I eat peanuts?
You are free to eat nuts, as long as they are not processed. So that means no roasted nuts, unless you’re fancy and roast them yourself. That means no salted cocktail nuts. That means no peanut butter. Wait…why not peanuts? Because peanuts are Legumes, not nuts silly.
Why not dairy?
Again, cave folk didn’t use dairy products. Hence neither do Paleo lifestyle people.
Ok so what CAN I eat?
You can eat as much meat and veggies as you want. Some fruit but be careful because it has a lot of natural sugar. You can eat eggs, and I eat a lot of them. They key is eating the cleanest food you can. The real complaint about Paleo is the money. Grass fed beef and free range chicken are pricey. Organic fruits and veggies are expensive. But I had this epiphany the other day where I realized that I’m willing spend a boat load of money on fun, and material things (I use the term “boatload” loosely), but not on what I feed myself. What the hell is wrong with me? This is a personal choice, but after what my body did, and the great comeback it made, I’ve chosen to reward it with eating the cleanest food I can find, even if it costs me a damn fortune. My body has 1,000 reasons to fail and crumble, and I won’t let the food I eat be one of them. Also baked goods and deserts are not out. You can use almond flour, or coconut flower for a lot of baking needs. Frankly I cook a lot more, and I have eaten some delicious stuff.
How the hell am I supposed to eat so many veggies? I have a butt disease.
This is going to be the deal breaker for a lot of people. I can already notice that with my increase in vegetable intake that my bowel movements are different. Many are thicker, which makes pooping a little more difficult, but frankly has slowed down my system enough and its kind of nice. And its all about the veggies you can eat. If you can’t do celery, do freaking eat celery. I roast a lot of them, cook them in a pan, ect. I do not eat most of them raw. When I notice things are not moving as nice as I’d like, I use some apple juice to get things moving. I’m only 2 weeks in, but its going well. I slowly transitioned and that helped my system adjust. I’m still having a hard time breaking up with sugar, and I still crave it a lot but I have found a piece of fruit or a small amount of organic fruit juice helps to quench the craving and then its gone.
So how do you feel?
I think it’s really too early to actually say. I’m still fighting sugar cravings but they are lessening. It could be coincidence but I have slept much better the last few days, and I swear I have more energy. I don’t ever feel like I’m dragging ass anymore. When I wake up in the morning, it never feels like a bus hit me anymore. My stomach and intestine have adjusted quite nicely, and nothing I have eaten has given me any issues. I eat meat, veggies and fruit all day now. I eat nuts a lot too but I make sure to CHEW CHEW CHEW. A single nut at a time until it’s a paste. And I’ve lost 2 lbs.
What else do I need to know?
Are you working out at all? If you’re going to do Paleo you need to be doing some kind of activity, because all the protein you’re stuffing into your body will just sit there and turn to fat if you’re not working it out. If you are, it will help turn it into lean muscle and also to help burn fat. What I like most about Paleo is that you can customize it to work in your life. If you wanna be crazy Paleo person you can follow the diet exactly and maybe go a little nuts along the way. For me, I do it as best as I can, and know that there are some vices I won’t give up. I like to drink Cider (Angry Orchard, or Strongbow). AO is Gluten Free but its still got a boatload of sugar….every once in a while. I”m ok with that. I lightly salted my roasted veggies with kosher salt. Some people can’t give up cheese. Some people can’t give up diet Coke. Thats fine. The goal is not to make you miserable, its to make your life healthier and if 95% of what you eat is good, clean food its probably an improvement from what you eat now. Frankly, giving up a lot of the grains and things hasn’t been that hard. Sure, I love me some pasta covered in cheese, but I can live without it and it doesn’t make me sad, but you better believe when my Mom makes an apple pie I’m eating it. And then I’m going to the gym. Also when it comes to eating “clean” meats, I have learned it’s not only that they are expensive but they are hard to find. If you can’t find it, or can’t afford it, its ok to buy meat from Kroger. Again the goal is to eat as clean as possible, whatever “possible” means for you.
Also it really works for me because it lets me eat when I want and as much as I want. Its not horrible to skip meals, and it doesn’t mean tiny portions. It means if I don’t eat lunch, fine, who cares. A lot of the food can be pre-made, and frozen, so all you have to do is thaw it and then stuff your face which works well for me. I pre-cook a lot of meals and then I don’t have to worry about “whats for dinner”.
Here is another info graphic with some more info:
Hey remember me? I used to blog here. LIfe got in the way and I’ve been a little MIA.
While I was gone I ran this little race called The Las Vegas 1/2 Marathon, oh you know, NBD.
Check that. It was a total big deal. Here’s how it went.
We arrived in Vegas on Friday and the race wasn’t until Sunday night. I had never been to Vegas before so I was pretty pumped to see the city and try to soak it all in. Friday night my team went out to Senior Frog’s and had dinner. I sat at the table with two of my teammates who I didn’t really know. Through the meal and conversations, I realized that I actually knew of my teammates. Well…kinda knew her.
Sometime last year, or maybe even two years ago my sister was getting her hair done at a new salon. Because my family talks about my butt as much as I do, she revealed to her hair dresser that I had UC and MS and that I blogged about it. The hairdresser revealed she also had UC and my sister encouraged her to check out my blog and connect with me because the salon is only a few miles from my house so we must live close to one another. Well, the hair dresser never emailed but it was a cool story nevertheless.
Fast forward to Senior Frog’s and the hairdresser is Michelle, my teammate sitting across from me at the table. I don’t know if there has ever been a more serendipitous moment in my life.
Saturday night was the pasta party, which is a lot of carbs and inspirational talk. It was nice, a bit of sensory overload, but nice. After we left there, we went to a Cirque show. I chose to see Zumanity because if there is a show with acrobatics AND nudity, I’m all in. It was pretty amazing. Sunday rolled around and the nerves started. The worst part was that the race didn’t start until like 4pm, so I had all day to sit around and be nervous. Normally when I run, I dont eat, or I eat very little before because I don’t want to have to poop especially for long distances. Well this plan was totally shot because our race wasn’t until the evening. I knew that I couldn’t skip all meals before the race so I was really nervous about what to eat. So I went with the safe breakfast foods, soft stuff, everything I’ve ate before and there was no issues. I had walked around a lot the days previous to the race, and my feet were hurting a little so that Sunday morning and afternoon I just sat around in our baller hotel room and lounged in my comfy bed, napped and watched some tv. As race time approached, I really didn’t want to do it. I was worried about my knee and my lack of training and I just wanted to not show up, and just pretend like I wasn’t there for TC.
Begrudgingly I started to put on my race clothes, which I fretted over. Too warm? Too cold? Too tight? Not enough pockets? It almost felt like I had never ran before in my life. I was so nervous.
Finally I was out of time. I put on the rest of my clothes, my RFID shoe tag and walked downstairs to meet my team to take the bus to the starting line. This was it. I got down there, and started chatting with my team, and I realized I was ready. I was calm. I was happy. I even had a wonderful young lady who follows me on twitter come up to me and chat with me.
Then I got the phone call. I had actually put on the wrong piece for the RFID tag on my shoe. It was up in my room. The bus was outside and if I didn’t have it, then I wouldn’t have any timing for the race. It wouldn’t even register that I ran it all at. So I panicked. I had to get up to my room and back before my team got on the bus and that was just impossible. Someone told me there would be more busses so I just had to run and hope that I’d catch a bus, if not…I wouldn’t be racing at all. I hauled balls, got the tag, got back and caught the last bus with Team Florida. Crisis averted, although I was panicked and flustered and not cool and collected which was not good. I got to the race, and I couldn’t find anyone from my team, but I did find Lauren from Forward is a Pace, who is responsible for talking me into doing TC.
I waited in line for the bathroom for what seemed like forever, was worried I’d miss the start of the race, and when I got out I saw that my corral was WAY down the line. Balls. So I literally ran to catch up to them. I got to chatting with some more people while we waiting for the start of the race. I had the Girls with Guts symbol on the back on my running singlet, and I had a few people tell me they knew about GWG, which was really cool.
The start line was in sight and as I approached the wind had picked up to what seemed like 50 MPH. It was like a damned tornado out there, dirt and dust flying everywhere with a particular affinity for my eyeballs. But then the gun sounded and it was time to run. The sun had already set, the temperature was chilly but got comfortable when I started to move and as I moved it felt good. I was passing a lot of people, saw many of my teammates and that was really cool. The lights in Vegas at night are amazing and having the whole main strip closed so we could run down it was a really cool experience.
I’ll be honest, I felt like I was killin’ it. I had a great pace. I felt strong, I wasn’t walking. It was like the stars were aligning for me to run the race of my life. The miles were falling away and I felt super good, but then I slowly began to hit a wall. So I ate some GU and kept on chuggin. Along the way I passed a chapel and noticed a TC singlet on the person getting married and I was like “oh cool! Getting married during the race!”. I looked closer, and realized it was one of my teammates. So I stopped running to watch their ceremony, which was awesome. Over all in the race, I stopped once for a bathroom break which was SO awesome. Around mile 8 or 9 things started to get hard. I walked for the first time, which was amazing to me. Like I said, I felt like I was killin’ it. I knew that it was just a matter of the mental battle at this point, that keeping my head in the game was all that was between me and finishing.
I chowed down some more GU, and just kept on crusin. My knees started to hurt a bit, my hips were a little achey, but nothing like how they were in the past. I got to this point where it was much easier to run than walk. Walking was painful, and threw off every rhythm I had. I could see the finish line way in the distance and I knew I was close but it was like one of those trick finish lines where it looks close but you’re in Vegas where buildings are huge and you have no real depth perception. The finish line was far. I started getting annoyed, I wanted to be done. It felt good and I was really proud of myself but I was tired.
Finally. I was there. I was disappointed when there were no fireworks upon my crossing of the finish line. There was no medley sang just for me and no dance crew out there. Not even a damn reporter. Total bullshit. But there were 1,000 photographers shoving cameras in my face as I tried to get to the end of finisher’s section. Every single race photo is awful by the way, which is just super.
So…I did it. I didn’t die. I even liked it. The next day I was sore for sure. I walked all kinds of funny but everyone else at the airport did too, so we all knew it was the 1/2 marathon pimp walk.
I did not hit my goal. My goal was under 3 hours and my time was 3 hours and 3 minutes. When I take into account that I stopped to watch a wedding, I think I would have hit my goal, which is just mildly frustrating. Overall. I think I did pretty well, and I was really surprised at how far I pushed my body and for once, it didn’t push back.
I’m not going to lie…all the training on Saturday mornings and in the heat or the cold…was worth it. That feeling of accomplishment was pretty intoxicating. Everyone is congratulating you, and there was this overwhelming pride of knowing where I had started in 2009 with UC and where I just finished. In Vegas. After a 1/2 Marathon.
It was the ultimate “suck it” to colitis. I was really proud of myself, which is often hard to accomplish when you often feel like a leach on those in your life. TC is really about hitting your own goals and competing with yourself. Sure, I wanted to hit my goal, but I wasn’t racing anyone else there. I was so focused on myself and my run that no one else mattered.
I had a lot of people come up to me before, during, and after the race when they recognized the GWG logo on my back and that was really amazing. Sometimes Charis and I sit here behind our screens thinking that GWG resonates with people, but it wasn’t until I was around people who knew about us that it really rang true. That was an added bonus to the weekend.
Am I done with TC? I thought I would be. I might be. But it comes to Chicago in June…and that might just be too close to turn down 🙂
Team Challenge update: I started running again this week. Thursday I did three miles and I thought I’d die. Seriously…I couldn’t breathe, and I couldn’t run and everything hurt and everything sucked. I just kept feeling like a giant failure. So this past Saturday was our last TC group training session. We were slated to run 8 miles but my trainer suggested that I limit it to just 6 because I’m still nursing the knee. And I was all “Oh really? Just 6 miles? Oh right considering the 3 that I ran just about killed me”. I had to wake up at 6:30 in order to get to training on time because its an hour away. The whole drive there I was just doubting myself. I felt like people would be judging me, and that I was totally just fooling myself. When I got there it was 32 degrees outside…and super windy.
Then it started snowing.
And I was all “I know, God. I got it, I SHOULDN’T RUN EVER”
I was getting dramatic, but the truth of the matter is that I was and am scared about the 1/2 which is now almost exactly a week away. Almost to the hour.
So I start walking..and the wind was blowing my face off and I was angry and freezing balls, so I start running so I don’t start to lose my limbs in what felt like the Arctic Tundra. And I ran. And ran. And ran…and I ran almost all of that 6 miles without stopping.
It was slow. But I did it, and it only hurt a little. And I felt good about it because I remembered how to breathe and how I like to run. I remembered my stride and I started to have fun again. I enjoyed running again on Saturday and a large part of that is due to the little hidden messages I put into my play list.
My running playlist only grows. I don’t take songs off, just add them. The current playlist is 30 songs long…and when it starts to repeat I’m not mad. So here is my current playlist and a few notes about why certain songs are important. Also, I shuffle it everytime so this is in no particular order.
Thunderstruck – ACDC
Bad Romance – Lady Gaga
Ocean Avenue – Yellowcard
This Love – Maroon
Life Of A Salesman- Yellowcard
E.T.- Katy Perry (This song often helps me find my pace. It seems to be the right BPM for me)
Comeback Kid – Sleigh Bells (Never fails that the iTunes gods always have this one play right when I need a second wave of energy)
Harder To Breathe – Maroon 5 (This song helps me remember to breathe. Always makes me smile too when I get all angry that I can’t breathe)
Fighter – Christina Aguilera (What woman doesn’t love this song? This song always makes me feel like I’m a total bad ass. You know in the beginning she says “After all you put me through, you’d think I’d despise you, but in the end I want to thank you because you made me that much stronger.” And this is always my little running pep talk to myself about IBD. The things I tell myself while running get totally absurd.
Independent – Webbie Ft Lil Boosie (This song is a jam. ‘Nuff said)
Go Your Own Way – Fleetwood Mac (You guys know that I clearly love this song)
Way Away – Yellowcard
Breathing – Yellowcard (See a trend here about reminding myself to breathe correctly)
Dance With Me – 112 (There is clapping in this song. I always clap with it. It makes me laugh and keeps me happy)
Twentythree – Yellowcard
Pressing On – Relient K (Never fails…when I get angry or I’m ready to give up, this song comes on. Almost always in the last few miles of my run.)
Believe – Yellowcard
Fixed At Zero – VersaEmerge – The verse of this song goes like this:
There’s a vulture on my shoulder
And he’s telling me to give in
Always hissing right in my ear
Like it’s coming from my own head
It’s got me mixed up
Trying not to give up
Tell me there’s a way to get out of here
Oh, fixed at zero!
I never really thought a lot about this song, until one day I was having the worst run ever. I kept telling myself how hard it was and how much I was not cut out to run long distances. This song came on in one of those moments…and it threw it right in my face that my biggest competition is myself. I am the only one who has told me that I can’t do this. This song is an attitude check.
Miles Apart – Yellowcard
Who I Am Hates Who I’ve Been – Relient K (This one just has a good message)
Let Me See Your Hips Swing- Savage
TiK ToK – Ke$ha
to da window,to da wall – Lil Jon
Wall To Wall- Chris Brown
We No Speak Americano – Yolanda Be Cool & DCUP (Good song whenever you need a pickup or are feeling tired)
7 All I Do Is Win – DJ Khaled (ft. Ludacris, Snoop Dogg, Rick Ross & T-Pain) (All I do is win. Bam. Also…my hands always go up when that part of the song comes up. I’m a run dancer.)
Belly Dancer – Akon
Dance In The Dark – Lady Gaga (My favorite Gaga song)
So a lot of the songs on there are just the right BPM for my pace. It took a while to find the right ones that weren’t too fast or too slow but this playlist works pretty well for me. I also did not put any of those songs on there (except Fighter) for any purpose other than I liked the songs. It was from listening to them over and over while running that it was some kind of fate that they found their way onto my playlist and always seem to play at the right time.
Are you going to Vegas with TC next week? If so I’m going to try to organize a big photo with all the internet friends I’ve made!
Thanks for always reading and supporting me.
Today is November 18th, and my half marathon with Team Challenge is oh so very close. Like 14 days away from today close. At this point I’m supposed to be tapering down my mileage.
I’m not running at all.
This is why.
That my friends, is what I did last Friday night. Since then its turned into this.
And here I am 9 days later and I have just now stopped limping. I still can’t bend it all the way, and if I put too much pressure on my left leg it feels like my knee cap is going to pop right off of my leg. So…what does this mean?
I’m not really sure. I trained at the gym last monday and my trainer told me he doesn’t think I’ll be able to do the half. I’m pretty determined to do it, but at the same time, I’m not training. I’m not running. Its like starting over if I try to do it and do it well. Ugh.
Remember how I was all “I want to do this well and kick its ass”… I will not be kicking any ass TC weekend in Vegas. I’ll be lucky if the hotel has enough ice to control the swelling in my knee after I force it through 13.1 miles. I’m kind of in this place where I’m not sure if it all has set in yet. I haven’t accepted that I really might not be able to do this race. Like…really.
Instead I just keep telling myself that I have plenty of time to recover and somehow magically my stamina will be fine and I will still have that picture perfect moment crossing the finish line like I imagined. That I’ll be running across that finish line…that I will cross it at all.
Am I nervous? Meh. Yea a little, I don’t want to screw anything up permanently. Am I frustrated? Yea. Really frustrated that I raised over $4,500 with the promise that I’d train my ass off, and cross that finish line while simultaneously punching IBD in its face. I really don’t want to be on the sidelines. I really really want to do this race to the best of my abilities and I haven’t realized that “my abilities” might have just changed in the last week.
In other news, my semester is almost over. Just a few more tough weeks and I can ::hopefully:: graduate and get a real life that doesn’t include 4 jobs, 2 classes, a 1/2 marathon, and a new non-profit. I’m really hoping that a job will pan out and that I can not stress about money. If that happens it will be the first time since I got sick…over 3 years ago that I won’t have to worry about money. Wouldn’t that be amazing?! I don’t even remember a life where bills got paid on time and going out to dinner leave me feeling guilty.
I want to have money to lead a normal life. And I want time to focus on Girls With Guts. Doesn’t seem like too much to ask for to me!
That post title is a real teaser eh?
Last weekend I ran 10 miles. The weekend before that I ran 9 miles. I want to talk about that weekend because that, my friends, sucked. Big ones.
9 Miles was the furthest I had run at that time, and I was scared going into it, but ready. I could feel myself starting to doubt my abilities, but I had a little mental pep talk and I felt like I was ready to go. It was pretty cold out that morning, and I wore all my fancy running clothes to keep me warm but I still felt like I’d need a jacket. So when I left, I had Under Amour, a running zippy by Lucy, and a fleece jacket. Too much? Yes, too much.
We were running a new path, and I was really enjoying it at that time, my stride was good, my pace was good and I felt awesome. I was rocking out to my music and mentally telling myself how awesome I was. I was like, “Hey self, you are kicking ass on the last 5 miles, you’re like already over half way there”.
And then my iPhone spoke to me, and told me I had only ran 2 miles. Fuck.
I immediately felt like this was not going nearly as well as I thought it was. And it wasn’t. And it was going to get worse. After I had gotten to mile 3 or so, I started to get hot. Like super hot because I decided to dress like I was running in an Arctic tundra. I wanted to ditch my coat somewhere but I had my car keys in it, and this world is full of crazies so I didn’t want it to get stolen.
Mile 4 took forever to hit because the whole time I kept thinking 4.5 miles is only half. HALF! Our turn around point was at 4.5 miles and as I turned around, I just looked back and thought…I’m going to die. This is it. I’ll never make it back. If I had my phone, I would have phoned a friend and shamefully drove my ass back to my car. But I didn’t have my phone, and my only option to ending the misery at this time was to get to steppin’.
By this time my intervals were shot. I never knew if the beeping in my ear was to run or walk. My feet started to hurt. My hip flexors gave up. They were tired of working and instead of really running I was doing this sort of walk, leg thrust thingy. Where basically instead of putting your feet first you’re throwing your hips forward in hopes your legs will actually follow. It was painful and required a lot of thought. To make matters worse, walking was actually harder than running. My body was totally giving up on me, and I couldn’t even take solace in walking back..I had to jog because the walk was much harder.
At this point I realized attempting to hit any kind of time goal was lost. So when I did walk, I stopped to take some pictures of the beautiful Michigan Fall season happening around me. Honestly, I love Michigan in the Fall.
Then the scar tissue chimed in. I have never had my scar tissue hurt while running before but at mile 7…it was screaming at me. Excruciating pain in my lower left abdomen, not even at my former stoma site. It was horrible, every step was like a stabbing pain. At mile 7 I really wanted to give up. Honestly, more than I ever have before. I was done. Mentally and physically shot. Angry at myself for choosing to run this far. Angry that I had to carry my coat and that I even brought a coat. Angry that my interval training was still beeping in my ear and that my play list was repeating and that there were cars at intersections. EVERYTHING made me angry.
Every time I felt like I was close because I thought I recognized something, I remembered that my running app tells me my mileage, so clearly I was not close. Mile 8 hit and I was like ok, just a mile. But at that moment a mile had never been so far. I was walking with the grace of a zombie at that point. The anger had passed and now I was really hopeless. Sad my body couldn’t do it, and gave up. I got all full of tears as I started to realize, if I can’t hit 9 miles, I’ll never hot 13.1 in the race in Vegas for Team Challenge. I was defeated. I wanted so badly to just sit down, and cry it out, but I knew if I sat, getting up would suck and I still wouldn’t be back at my car.
Finally, the iPhone chimed in. 9 Miles! Yay workout completed. The problem? I wasn’t back at my car yet. The course was actually 9.5 miles…I still had .5 miles to hobble back to my car. And hobble I did. I got back there and just sat. Didn’t move. Still just second guessing the shit out of myself.
I got home and slept for 4 hours. My body trashed. Angry. Sore. Hurting. My ego crushed. I called my running pal Lauren, from Forward Is A Pace and lamented my awful running experience. I wanted to curse the day I signed up for TC, and myself for even thinking this diseased thing I tote around (my body) could handle 13.1 miles. I needed a pity party.
I was sore for about 5 days. Legit pain in my hips. A constant reminder of my failure at 9 miles.
And last weekend, I woke up and went to the same park…and I did it again but instead I did 10 miles. And you know what? It sucked. Everything happened almost exactly the same but the only difference is, I went further and it didn’t hurt as bad. I didn’t nap after. My body recovered much faster. I got frustrated and angry at some points, but I didn’t want to give up or cry. I wanted to get back to my car still standing.
I’ll say this about running, it doesn’t get any easier (at least not for me), but it doesn’t get harder either. I pretty much max out as hard as it will get, and stay there and then its just a mental battle of getting through the tough part.
Additionally, I did 10 miles without a bathroom stop. I checked bathrooms for 5 miles and all of them were locked, and while I would have preferred to have one as I would have probably couldn’t have stopped worrying about not having a bathroom, I didn’t need one. It’s not that I needed to go, but running makes you want to poop even with people who have healthy colons. So, I just wanted to have the security of a bathroom every few miles. But I didn’t. And it didn’t matter.
And on that note, here are some pictures I took while running the 9 miles. Pictures don’t do it justice.