Last night I did not have a good run. Rewind.
Last night I stopped over at my Grandparents house for a quick visit and I was like “Hey Grandpa, did you hear I ran a 1oK?” My Grandpa is in crazy good shape for being such an old dude. Hes in his 80’s and walks everywhere, eats right, and shovels my snow in the winter. He could give any 25 yr old a run for their money, I swear.
This is the same Grandpa who when I was younger, would comment on my weight and what I was eating… So when I prompted him with the 10K I totally thought he would be all “Yea I did. You’re so amazing, favorite granddaughter of mine”. Instead, he said “I was surprised your body could do it”.
Hmm.
So without pushing the topic anymore, I wondered, did he say that as a compliment, or an underhanded comment. I’m not sure. I decided to go with compliment.
Anyway, so I went for a run last night because I had the itch to go. That “I want to/need to run” feeling is new for me, and its kinda cool. It feels like its going to set you up for awesomeness. I was wrong.
Last night at 8:30 it was 88 degrees. I wanted to try to do about 4.5K which is what I did in similar conditions the other day. Well I screwed myself because I started out too fast. I was trying to measure/time something and I screwed myself up. So then I was frustrated and stopped to stretch a bit. Then I got cornered in a conversation about epilepsy and diet by some strange guy on the sidewalk. Well it was more of him talking at me, than a conversation.
So anyway I was frustration and kept going. I couldn’t find my pace. It was hot.
After what felt like a good distance, I turned on the home stretch to get home…and finally found my pace. Damn it. Instead of pushing it, I ran until I got home and just stopped. Once I found that pace, it felt good, but I knew if I lost it again I would have just gotten frustrated. To make it worse, when I got home, I realized I had only really run just over 2 miles. So I was disappointed.
Then I thought about what my Grandpa said. My body has been to hell and back. It was hot as hell outside. And I still ran 2 miles. Not to mention that MS is SERIOUSLY affected by the heat. There are organizations that give out cooling vests to MS patients because our brains just short out in the heat basically. I do this sometimes. If I’m out in the sun all day I just get to the point where I can really think straight or make decisions about anything. I also get crazy tired. When I first started working out, my body temperature was a serious problem, because it would get so high that I couldn’t really perform tasks correctly. So yea heat and MS = a problem.
It is almost as if the universe is working against me and my fitness goals. But you know what? Eff the universe. I’m gonna run a 1/2 marathon in December. At least that’s what I’m going to plan for. Diseased body or not, I’m going to try to do that. And you know what? I think I’m going to succeed.
So you know what Grandpa? I’m surprised my body can do this too. But it can. And so I will.
And on that note, Kayla here is my current playlist. I didn’t put the songs in this specific order for any reason, its just how they got added.
Bad Romance – Lady Gaga
Ocean Avenue – Yellow Card
Harder To breathe – Maroon 5
This Love – Maroon 5
Life of a Sales man – Yellow Card
ET – Kay Perry/Kanye
Comeback Kid – Sleigh Bells
Fighter – Christina Aguilera
Independent – Lil Boosie
Bulls on Parade – Rage Against the Machine
Go your own way – Fleetwood Mac
Way Away – Yellow Card
Breathing – Yellow Card
Dance With Me – 112
TwentyThree- Yellow Card
Pressing on- Reliant K
Fixed At Zero – Versamerge
Miles Apart – Yellow Card
Who I am hates who I’ve been – Reliant K
Let me see your hips swing – Savage
bloodpooptears.wordpress.com 
July 3, 2012 at 10:31 am
Yesterday it was literally cooler to keep moving and get a tiny bit of air movement than to stop and simmer in the humidity.
But just like IBD, we all have off-days and maybe tomorrow will be better.
PS You are so bad ass. You’re definitely my favorite granddaughter.
July 3, 2012 at 10:49 am
Thanks for the playlist!! Imma have to check out some of those songs! I have never heard of Reliant K or Yellow Card (Yes, I’m a bit sheltered.) Thanks for this post!!!!
July 3, 2012 at 11:20 am
Oh man! I love yellow card which is why I have almost their whole CD on there. lol.
July 3, 2012 at 11:21 am
Aww thanks Megan!
July 3, 2012 at 11:33 am
Hey Jackie: Your Grandpa is a pretty good guy…don’t ya think. You never quite know how he might respond to things. You might expect a lot of enthusiasm, but then don’t get it; however, he does always wish the best for his family. Remember he’s a ultra conservative guy…doesn’t like to go too crazy with things (or spend too much money).
I think your running adventures are great. Keep up the good work!
July 3, 2012 at 8:37 pm
I love that you’re planning on running a 1/2 marathon! I just had ostomy surgery in May and recently started training to do a triathlon just to say, “Suck it, Crohn’s!” Good luck.
July 5, 2012 at 12:55 pm
Get it girl! So much of me wants to do whatever I can to tell IBD to suck it. Even if its only in our own minds, I do think that physical activity, pushing the bodies limits, totally does that.
July 9, 2012 at 3:05 pm
Hey Jackie, I notice that you haven’t written in almost a week. I hope things are fine. Reading your last writing about the run and your grandfather’s comment, MS etc made me think… about how the person subjected to these rare illnesses/diseases/disorders becomes overly “materialistic” physically conscious… Your body becomes a machine or it becomes a faulty machine. I imagine that those who never experience surgeries and prolonged hospital experiences and the projection into the future of futher inconveniences (or much worse) see their physical performance as a given… If they are lazy, they are lazy. If they love pushing their bodies to the limit, they love that experience. However, I believe we push our limits because we must live a moment when we can say, “I CAN” instead of “I CAN’T”…
There is a risk in relating to your body is a physical problem or a physical obstacle for overcoming; and that is that you cease truly living… Each event is a win or lose situation… You’ve already lost, because you suffer your ailments, illnesses, physiological “differences”… So why set yourself up for losing again?
What we don’t know is that for the normal people there are “Today I Could” and “Today I couldn’t”… Be careful not to set yourself up for failures… Much is in the mind WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE ILLNESS, although the trajectory can be affected by mental states, which also affect our sleep and eating habits… Just so you know, I don’t believe in “Don’t worry be happy…” or “Smile and be happy”… However, I do believe we are spirits moreso than bodies, although during those bad days and bad nights THAT WE KNOW OTHER PEOPLE DON’T EXPERIENCE it’s difficult feeling other than our physical issues… I didn’t sleep well last night. And for that I won’t exercise until this afternoon… But, I must accept this…
I wish I were your friend running with you that night and could have told you, “Jackie, keep going if you feel good, you are only in the middle of the run…” You must understand Jackie that we are experts at sabotaging ourselves mentally.
As for the man who cornered you… Don’t you think it curious that a stranger would talk to you out of the blue about epilepsy and diet? Why and how did he appear and with that subject matter? If he was a stranger, then he doesn’t know that this is your interest… And if diet and epilepsy wasn’t your interest before, it will be in the future. Is there not a risk of seizures with MS related with heat and cerebral fatigue? This isn’t a statement, because I don’t know anything about the subject. But you mentioned MS and exhaustion. And MS is a problem with the nervous system (motor control… Forgive me if I am bad with terminology; I’m living in Mexico 9 years and only read and write in English when I’m communicating through the internet)…
I believe you can overcome much more if you are able to see yourself more as a spirit than as a body… We live two existences simultaneously; 1) is the physical body reality; the body performs in so many ways against your will; 2) your spiritual reality; who you sense behind your eyes and never truly changes even if they remove all your non-essential organs, your arms and legs and your sight… The YOU continues. That is the part of you that can be unchangeable… It is the part of you that’s most important. The mind is what connects the spiritual you with the material/physical you… It is easily manipulated and manipulative and can harm you very easily, although it is part of you… Your spirit is also the you that travels in dreams… It is who goes back in time and connects with people you don’t see today (alive or deceased)… It also may send you into the future giving you messages about what is about to occur… It may give you powers you don’t sense in your real life… It may give you a body you know is not ailing… The reason is that that is you… You are not your illness. It is just part of this life’s reality; today’s lesson/experience. You must learn from it, truly (sincerely/honestly) help others with what you have learned/experienced, and you must learn a way of overcoming. You may not overcome your ailments… But you may overcome the feeling of failure and weakness…
Somehow you (we) must learn to stop being angry… Frustration is a dulled interpretation or labelling of anger… Like in many cultures around the world, the U.S. culture teaches us that anger is “bad”… No, it is a normal emotion/reaction to a situation you consider unfair or unjust or irresponsible… The question is how does our anger manifest in our lives, how do we propagate it and use it…? Are we exacerbating the anger… or misdirecting it?
And about your grandfather’s response: It is difficult for us to be in the right mental or spiritual space at the right time for saying something adequately sensitive… or truly feeling what the other person needs at that moment… I am sure that your grandfather feels horrible about what you live with… But he is human. Plus, the older you become the more you say what enters the top of your mind; possibly due to decreased mental energy for controlling or evaluating what is on your mind… I imagine that you are surprised that your body can do it and you are happily surprised. I’m sorry that he didn’t respond as you wished… But the thing is that your run is only for you… Your happiness and satisfaction is only for you… Your lesson in life is to be truly honest and authentic with yourself and encounter the strength you need for you, not having anything to do with anyone else… In the end you know what you can do and what you can’t or shouldn’t… If you make a bad decision or see things wrong, you know you do… If you do something wonderful or will do something wonderful for you or someone else, you also know that… But you’ve gotta learn to truly appreciate yourself with all the issues regardless of what and who says or thinks what… This is an additional “technique” for additional success… In the long run you will feel immensely better…
Ross
July 9, 2012 at 3:05 pm
Hey Jackie, I notice that you haven’t written in almost a week. I hope things are fine. Reading your last writing about the run and your grandfather’s comment, MS etc made me think… about how the person subjected to these rare illnesses/diseases/disorders becomes overly “materialistic” physically conscious… Your body becomes a machine or it becomes a faulty machine. I imagine that those who never experience surgeries and prolonged hospital experiences and the projection into the future of futher inconveniences (or much worse) see their physical performance as a given… If they are lazy, they are lazy. If they love pushing their bodies to the limit, they love that experience. However, I believe we push our limits because we must live a moment when we can say, “I CAN” instead of “I CAN’T”…
There is a risk in relating to your body is a physical problem or a physical obstacle for overcoming; and that is that you cease truly living… Each event is a win or lose situation… You’ve already lost, because you suffer your ailments, illnesses, physiological “differences”… So why set yourself up for losing again?
What we don’t know is that for the normal people there are “Today I Could” and “Today I couldn’t”… Be careful not to set yourself up for failures… Much is in the mind WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE ILLNESS, although the trajectory can be affected by mental states, which also affect our sleep and eating habits… Just so you know, I don’t believe in “Don’t worry be happy…” or “Smile and be happy”… However, I do believe we are spirits moreso than bodies, although during those bad days and bad nights THAT WE KNOW OTHER PEOPLE DON’T EXPERIENCE it’s difficult feeling other than our physical issues… I didn’t sleep well last night. And for that I won’t exercise until this afternoon… But, I must accept this…
I wish I were your friend running with you that night and could have told you, “Jackie, keep going if you feel good, you are only in the middle of the run…” You must understand Jackie that we are experts at sabotaging ourselves mentally.
As for the man who cornered you… Don’t you think it curious that a stranger would talk to you out of the blue about epilepsy and diet? Why and how did he appear and with that subject matter? If he was a stranger, then he doesn’t know that this is your interest… And if diet and epilepsy wasn’t your interest before, it will be in the future. Is there not a risk of seizures with MS related with heat and cerebral fatigue? This isn’t a statement, because I don’t know anything about the subject. But you mentioned MS and exhaustion. And MS is a problem with the nervous system (motor control… Forgive me if I am bad with terminology; I’m living in Mexico 9 years and only read and write in English when I’m communicating through the internet)…
I believe you can overcome much more if you are able to see yourself more as a spirit than as a body… We live two existences simultaneously; 1) is the physical body reality; the body performs in so many ways against your will; 2) your spiritual reality; who you sense behind your eyes and never truly changes even if they remove all your non-essential organs, your arms and legs and your sight… The YOU continues. That is the part of you that can be unchangeable… It is the part of you that’s most important. The mind is what connects the spiritual you with the material/physical you… It is easily manipulated and manipulative and can harm you very easily, although it is part of you… Your spirit is also the you that travels in dreams… It is who goes back in time and connects with people you don’t see today (alive or deceased)… It also may send you into the future giving you messages about what is about to occur… It may give you powers you don’t sense in your real life… It may give you a body you know is not ailing… The reason is that that is you… You are not your illness. It is just part of this life’s reality; today’s lesson/experience. You must learn from it, truly (sincerely/honestly) help others with what you have learned/experienced, and you must learn a way of overcoming. You may not overcome your ailments… But you may overcome the feeling of failure and weakness…
Somehow you (we) must learn to stop being angry… Frustration is a dulled interpretation or labelling of anger… Like in many cultures around the world, the U.S. culture teaches us that anger is “bad”… No, it is a normal emotion/reaction to a situation you consider unfair or unjust or irresponsible… The question is how does our anger manifest in our lives, how do we propagate it and use it…? Are we exacerbating the anger… or misdirecting it?
And about your grandfather’s response: It is difficult for us to be in the right mental or spiritual space at the right time for saying something adequately sensitive… or truly feeling what the other person needs at that moment… I am sure that your grandfather feels horrible about what you live with… But he is human. Plus, the older you become the more you say what enters the top of your mind; possibly due to decreased mental energy for controlling or evaluating what is on your mind… I imagine that you are surprised that your body can do it and you are happily surprised. I’m sorry that he didn’t respond as you wished… But the thing is that your run is only for you… Your happiness and satisfaction is only for you… Your lesson in life is to be truly honest and authentic with yourself and encounter the strength you need for you, not having anything to do with anyone else… In the end you know what you can do and what you can’t or shouldn’t… If you make a bad decision or see things wrong, you know you do… If you do something wonderful or will do something wonderful for you or someone else, you also know that… But you’ve gotta learn to truly appreciate yourself with all the issues regardless of what and who says or thinks what… This is an additional “technique” for additional success… In the long run you will feel immensely better…
Ross